May 31, 2005
8:18 AM
indolent: adjective wanting to avoid activity or exertion
i have never been this indolent in my life. the day that i stepped into college was the day i will never forget. the pressure i get at ateneo, where people pay a big amount of dough to manifest their magical brain powers, condenses my self-esteem. now you might be saying that it should be the other way around: my confidence should have bolstered because i was able to get in to the ateneo. i also expected that from myself. i expected a fresh start in college and a total end from continuous ranting and cramming since schoolwork during high school was also hell (medsci...). but not much to my surprise, things have never changed.
there was never a single night that i purposely go to bed to sleep, because even before the middle of the night, i have already fallen asleep (that's me when im stressed. therefore, im always stressed.)! i have gained blah-blah pounds from eating too much. i could count by my fingers the times i have tried not to cram. i could not recall how many times i have been unprepared for a test (because of too much fretting, i found it hard to push myself to prepare). ive lost God-knows-how-many hair from pulling them almost everytime. i have to delay some of my activities because i have not yet started with my papers/homeworks/research/etc. i never had time to just really relax because of my impaired condition. trying to fix myself up is just really hard...
you see, the problem is not because i can't. it's not because i can't be part of the dean's lister, or i can't write a good paper, or do good in recitation, or perfect my exams, or figure out my math. it's not because of that, for i know very well that i can do those stuff. the only problem is it seems i can't be as good as them. it seems their brains are ten times larger than mine! their prose are no doubt better than mine. they can speak more eloquently than i can.
i cant help to think sometimes if i deserve to be part of these savvy group.
however, at the middle of my writing right now, i realize that im acting like a LOSER. i obviously know what im capable of. i have my own set of goals, but these are all disillusioned with the success of others. comparing myself to others is just plain pointless. at one point, i'd be so proud of myself because i seem to fare better than one person; then on a spur of the moment, i'd see one bunch totally better than i am, and before i know it, my heart's already breaking. so see? what's the sense of that?
my superior, competetive, perfectionistic, and vexed nature has been killing my soul for a year now. i never became productive or whatsoever during my first year in college because i always wanted to be on top right away, even if i also know it entails a lot of sweat before i can get on top. i was always in denial. i never accepted the challenges infront of me. i always whine. i always complain. i always grouch. i have never been proactive. i have been so harsh with myself.
having learned all these, i know God's allowing me to prove myself again this following schoolyear. i believe He's just so willing to help me once again! i know He just wants me to concentrate on what i have (my talents, my skills, my experiences) and to use the most out of it. then, i don't have to worry what will happen next--- whether i'd get what i want or not. my future's under God's care, and what He wants for me is surely the only BEST thing for me. i would just have to let go of trying to be in control all the time, and rather just try to succumb to His will invariably...
May 30, 2005
12:58 PM
i have been too lazy to blog for the recent months! but anyhow, i'm still alive, just for you to know. here are some of the pictures over the summer:
*Zambales trip with my family and my cousins Ate Ne and Donsky
lalang! 
all of us three at zambales.. 
me and kuya 
sunset at zambales 
yuckie donsky! 
waitin’ for our food!
*Circle of Love (Youth Encounter # 8) : Jen, Enzo, Regit, Dredre, Baby and I were assigned to take over! :D 
circle of love facilitators... naks! 
circle of love facilitators 2
* FAMILY ENCOUNTER # 11 SPONSORING: After 6 months of practice, we finally did it, all for the glory of God! :) It's just so sad that I missed Besh's debut because I can't leave the sponsoring during that time. Sorry besh. :( 
fe practice 
smile, even if it’s hot!
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