So This Is How It Feels

Sometimes, I think about the past and I remember how different I was (it was) back then. I think about the times when I was genuinely happy and the times when I was also genuinely  sad, and I realize I have never felt the same way, never have I been fired up such extreme emotions. So I think this is how you describe the feeling of being okay, this is how you elaborate when a person asks how you are and you have nothing to gush nor whine about, and the only fitting answer you can say is just that -- I'm okay. 

I need to let this out.

1. I think I'm depressed. I'm uncertain because I can still function well. I just refuse to cooperate with myself. Why? I can state possible reasons, but I'm not really sure about anything.

2. I can't motivate myself anymore. I don't see the prize of slimming down, getting higher grades, or finally committing myself in a relationship again. Sometimes it feels like "I was already in that phase and I don't want to go through it again". Most of the times, I'm just too too lazy to create something new in my life. I'm stuck here and I find it terrifyingly comfortable.

3. My environment affects me a lot. Though you've helped me adjust in school, I believe you're also a major factor as to why I end up as a wreck sometimes.

4. You're a control freak and I can't do anything about it, because I turned out becoming like one too.

5. What's with the accent? You sound like a poser. I know deep inside you're still one of us. Or maybe I'm just envious.

6. I wish we can be friends, but I know you will never give me the chance.

7. I want to quit. I need space.

8. If fate favors me, I will marry a web developer/IT geek, our honeymoon will be somewhere in Europe, and we will play around with Flash and CSS for the rest of our lives. Under the moonlight, we will share each other's philosophy.

9. I really wish I'll worry about which company/school should I work for after college, instead of worrying because no job opportunities await me.

10. I think too much that's why I never get things done.

P.S I'll feel better if more people care to read what's happening with me. Maybe that's why it's so depressing. I'm used to treating life as a show. With no one watching, it feels so pointless living for yourself.

Vows

Commitment... it determines circumstances rather than being determined. Every commitment involves a promise. Persons making a promise are understood to be making predictions about themselves, they are asserting their firm intentions. They are not merely describing their present state of mind but are binding themselves to a future course." - John C. Haughey, S.J., The Act of Committing to Christ: Freedome and Conscience (from my Theology 151 book)

I can clearly remember Sean Covey emphasizing in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens (my how-to-deal-with-puberty guide) the importance of keeping promises to oneself. He says that just like when we break our promises to others, we also lose trust in ourselves when we fail to do stuff we're supposed to do, like when we promise we'll wake up early in the morning to exercise but we always end up putting off our alarm clock, snoozing until we panic as we finally realize it's already lunchtime. Our subconscious mentally notes every failed attempt of doing this and that, that's why the tendency is we reach a point that we already struggle into thinking that we can achieve our tasks/goals, until we doubt we can still make our dreams happen, that we can be who we want to be x years from now.

I'm a victim of this, of disappointing myself very so often, of not being able to set my own standards, of letting circumstances determine who I am. I show everyone I'm happy, I'm carefree, but actually, it seems I'm in a constant battle with myself. I know what I want, I know what I'm good at, but I don't know if I can still cross the line from point A to point B. I don't know if I can resist not to fall into the void outside, or if I don't get stuck at one point and find myself comfortable in not moving anymore.

But what I'm really clueless about is to when did I stop believing. When did the blandness take over? When did I ever lose my appetite for the euphoric feeling of success, of ticking off occasional to-do lists?

. . .

I think it is timely that I ponder upon those New Year resolutions now.

------

Anyway, I think I will never get tired of photography and the wonders Photoshop brings.

Once upon a time...

Blue Christmas

I really can't believe it's already the 24th today. I can't believe that a few hours from now, we will all be exchanging gifts under our old 8-feet Christmas tree. I can't believe I haven't even wrapped my gifts yet. To make it worse, I am not yet even done with my Christmas shopping! I really can't believe I'm all shook up this Christmas, to think that a survey showed that there are more Filipinos enjoying this year's holiday season.

Is it because of my impending graduation? It daunts me that I am totally CLUELESS on where to go after college. I was sure of what I wanted: writing, handling media, touching people's lives. But after my practicum in an advertising agency last summer, I became so unsure of that combination.

Clouding my hindsight even more, I suddenly don't feel secure living (and eventually building a family and growing old) in the Philippines. That is after knowing how damned our justice system really is through testimonies of some people I know of. That is after I went to Hong Kong and the States and saw that taxes were not invented for the beneficiary of shady politicians.

Or well, maybe I'm just inflicted with what they all call the Senior Year syndrome (seems to be this is everyone's cover story now). Could part of it be the fact that I am still unprepared to face the real world here, thus now, thoughts of being a fugitive from my own home country instantly became so tempting?

If it is, I can't believe I'd run away from a country, where Christmas celebration is incomparable, where bibingkas and puto bumbongs are the best, and where street kids, hankering after our regular pasta pamasko, are still left starving.

I'm sure these kids want to get out of this rut too (and so a million other helpless Filipinos). It's just that I'm burdened with a choice to flee. While these kids don't have any, not even the right to live.

20, Don't Mess with Me

Ang hirap mag-update! Kakainis! Ilang oras bago ako makapagsulat ng 'decent entry'. Eh kasi naman sinimulan ko 'to ng Inggles, kaya inisip ko, dapat Inggles na lahat! Eh ang mahirap, kapag nagsusulat ako, nakasanayan ko na i-outline muna. Yun kasi turo sa Basic English class namin noong first year. Hay naku! Bahala na si Batman! Isusulat ko lang kung anong unang pumasok sa utak ko. Akalain mo, kapag gusto ko magsulat dito, magbe-brainstorm pa ko, tapos topic outline, tapos first draft, 2nd draft, x draft, edit, edit, edit, tapos saka pa lang final draft!! Kakainis!! What a rigorous process. Yan tuloy, anong nangyari? Iilan lang ang posts dito! Kaya agree talaga ako doon sa quote na Perfection is a terrible taskmaster. Dahil gusto mo iperfect lagi, hindi mo tuloy namamaster! HELLO. Wala naman kasing grade requirement tong blogging. Bakit ba ako nagpapapressure.
*
Anyway. So, what's up with me? Well... I've turned 20 and a lot has changed the past year. For one, I've been to Hong Kong and the US.. That's a record for someone who hasn't been abroad ever since (compared to most of my classmates who were traveling since they were in diapers hehe). From now on, I swear I would travel at least once a year to a place I have never been to my whole life (doesn't matter even if it's just in the Phils!). I'm (almost) done with thesis. Change of career plans - I don't want to go into Advertising anymore. I realized that in order to survive in that industry, you have to have either the guts to sell your ideas or a mind of a genius to come up with bizarre, obviously-this-is-the-plan plan. Neither of which is innate to me. Plus I am uncomfortable brainstorming in a large group. Lagi akong napepressure magisip ng puwedeng pambato na idea, but the pressure doesn't do anything except fry my brain. I know myself. I need to think first by my own and rehearse my lines, even anticipate the flow of discussion, before I can negotiate and converse in a lengthy formal (formal since it's work) discussion with people. So great. I learned all of this just in time. Just in time before GRADUATION. Just in time for me who can't reverse my way back and pursue another career.
*
I'm ___ lbs. heavy, and dieting seems impossible. Savoring Kimchi, munching a bar of Lindt milk chocolate-in short, EATING-is the next best thing to getting a boyfriend. Retail therapy won't work since there aren't enough clothes that can fit me anymore (or maybe I'm just exaggerating).
*
Wow. I wonder how worse can a quarter life crisis be.

Waiting in Vain

By tonight, I should have read 16 hand-outs for my History Long Test on Thursday.
I have only finished 3.

By tomorrow, I should have an outline for our History group reporting/paper which is due next week.
I still have none.

History, why are you so hard on me?

And oh, I still have my Theo paper, test, and orals, Ad paper, Philo paper and orals, and IMC report.

Gawd.

But after all these,
I'm going to Galera,
Boracay,
Quezon,
and Marinduque.
By then, I'm sure junior year would be all worth it.

Paralyzed

I realize I'm the type of person who finds it more difficult dealing with beginnings than with endings. Endings discharge me of the pressing weight of an experience; beginnings leave me with uncertainty. Endings gives me the opportunity to assess the situation so by the time I begin again, I know that I know better.

But proving that I know better demands a lot of willpower and tenacity, that's why beginnings startle me. It usually frightens me that I may not actually end up doing better than before.

Maybe this could explain why I cram my work most of the time. Mediocre History test results should have taught me a lesson, but here I go again, anticipating another let-down. I was eager to pull it through weeks before the test, but as usual, pressure overtook me and before I knew it, I was cramming again.

It's a daft equation. I am pressured of not ending up better (and the thought of not doing so paralyzes me) but I still end up just the same, and since life always gives second chances, I keep on doing the same thing. I learn, but I persist on doing nothing. When will I learn from doing nothing? I have forgotten that beginnings normally should spark even just a lil a bit of hope.

My New Year Isn't Starting Out Right

Reminiscing the past 365 days and looking forward to the unwritten days ahead are a common ritual so to welcome the New Year. I’ve seen it everywhere—the thank yous, the wishes, the apologies—in blogs, in text messages, heck, even in YouTube. Having considered my 2006 as one of the freshest (me out fresh from an almost 3-year relationship, encountering fresh experiences, acquiring a fresh outlook on life, refreshing friendships), I was actually really excited to make a nostalgic year-ender entry.

But when the phone had to ring, and I had to hear my uncle’s glum voice from the other line, it dawned on me that there is still something wrong. Stammering, he shelled out to me the bad news: my digital camera (both my birthday and Christmas present) is still not arriving. My uncle lives in New Jersey (where my camera is $200 cheaper) and his sister-in-law, who was vacationing in California, was supposed to bring home with her my new camera. For months, I have been anticipating for that day, when my camera and I are to meet face to face; but due to some conflict, it had to be put on ice for some more.

So right now you might probably be asking yourself, has she become that shallow? It only took the delay of her camera’s arrival for her to be suddenly disheartened?

It is upsetting to hear that I have to wait a few more weeks to finally bag my camera. But if I was able to mindlessly wait for it for months, how could a few weeks even hurt? Being camera-less on the first day of the new year didn’t really upset me, instead, it made me realize what else I was missing.

Reminiscing the past 365 days and looking forward to the year ahead were a ritual this person and I shared. It was already the 1st of January, and it struck me, that person was not there with me anymore to capture it… and there is no assurance of delays to even keep me waiting.

Pause

(more pictures to come)

washed the dishes in the morning, helped in preparing our main dish (note on helped and preparing, not cooked), fixed our uber messy room while brother and sister were enjoying watching anime, brother and sister scolded by mom (haha finally justice =p), took a bath, went to SM Bicutan with sister to print Christmas pictures for lola (I photoshopped it, then to my dismay, printing turned out horrible!) and to buy baby tees from Artwork (a local company which primarily sells shirts at affordable prices with great designs) for Shanz and Madz (both names end in Z but are not related at all haha), got home at 7 and to my surprise, all the visitors were already there, ate dinner, had a small chat with Michelle (my cousin from dad's side. haven't seen her for a year), took pictures, lady cousins and i had our eyes glued on our cute uncle (which is my mom's cousin) and hated the fact the he is our uncle (but compared to my cousin, Ate Ne, i wasn't really that into him), drank Vodka Cruiser Blueberry, drank another Vodka, this time, it's the red one (is that Strawberry?), drank coffee, gave gifts, took pictures again, found out cute uncle has many girlfriends (haha turn-off), kid around with Shanz's shobe (younger sister), took pictures again, then bid bye-bye to everyone.

Parties and reunions are tremendously fun, but if you realize you still have 2 more to attend to with less than a week to juggle all those pending schoolwork, you could just wish you can put into halt all the fun for a while.

Unsure Of

quote from my Theology (on Marriage & Sexuality) professor, Sir Mike Asis: "Once the romantic feelings are gone, we suspect that love is also gone. It's easy to love someone when we have warm, fuzzy feelings but when they're not there, it becomes hard. That's based on our experiences. It is not the same as saying that genuine love has to be completely devoid of feelings. It's just one should not let go just because the feelings have taken a back seat.

You see, we can choose to love someone forever. Love is, essentially, a choice."

(originally taken from my blockmate Pau's LiveJournal)

am I ready to take that choice this 2007?

Could it just be nothing?

If he told you you're beautiful, invited you out for lunch, and greeted you a Merry Christmas on the nail of Christmas Eve? But that is all there is to it, aside from a few text messages in between.

I have never pondered about it until now. At first I thought he was just being cocky.

june 05

my treasure trove. find out what makes me rich aside from mom and dad.


this man has been a special part of my life for more than three years now (counting also the year when we were still getting to know each other). the great thing about our relationship does not only count the love we have for each other but also the profound friendship we share. how lucky have i gotten to have a man i love and my bestfriend all in one?

i definitely miss my tropa! they are the best barkada in the world. the top picture... that's agnes, me and besh. agnes is the baby of the tropa. why? well just because. :D besh is, well, my bestfriend! she's one of the persons who means the world to me. i love her so much. the girl i am with at the left-below picture is myx. she's the brains of the tropa! in fact, she graduated as veledictorian of the batch. she now studies in up diliman and because i am just a few minutes away from her, we get to have lunch every now and then! at the center is a picture of mon and besh. they have been together for like foooorrreever. no one has and can ever break them apart. mon is the clown of the tropa, and of course, our only man! haha. next to it is a picture of me and spice. you would never have a dull moment with her because she will always entertain you with her kwentos. and why call her spice? because i'm her sugar! hahaha. i love you, guys!

kuya's getting married already next year! he is an epitome of a perfect gentleman. ate merryl is really lucky! ate ne is like my sister. we always hang out together. she's always there for me whenever i need someone to save my neck. donsky on the other hand is like my kabarkada. we are of the same age that's why we can easily relate to each other. he is my ever loving chaperone! haha! love you also, guys!

KATKAT! isn't she adorable??? she's my cousin and at the same time my inaanak. she always makes my day.

sheeennny. we have known each other since birth. among my friends, she is the only one who really knows me inside and out. we have a lot in common that we consider each other as "sister soulmates". aside from besh, she is also my bestfriend. am i so lucky? luvyah also shen!

meet ina and kuya. ina knows me completely for i always rant to her whatever happens to my day. if she's not my sister, i'd also consider her as my bestfriend. i'm so happy now that we already share a room! :D kuya is younger than me, but i call him as such because he seems to be the kuya i have always longed for yet i never get to have. i would never replace these two persons if i were asked to. i am so lucky to have them!

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June 07, 2005

4:25 PM

i just took a bath and finally, my brain's starting to get out of its dead zone. i woke up early this morning with the conviction that i will do my taebo, but as usual, i didn't. i just ate my breakfast and teased my sister of going to school while i have the whole day by myself at home. as soon as she left, i plopped myself on the bed and finished reading Mike Gayle's My Legendary Girlfriend (moderately nice, but the turn of events wasn't laid very well). after finishing the novel (and seeing that my parents already went off for work), i rushed to my parents room where this magical personal computer rests. i disturbed its quiet sleep and have never allowed it to slack off until this very moment. poor computer. you might be so fed up with me already.
this is what i hate when nothing takes charge of my time (no freakin' paper, no freakin' math quiz, no freakin' report). but i don't mean i want those time-killing, suffocating schoolwork (who'd want it badly anyway?). it's just that i really find it hard controlling my time. i want to do a lot of things and i have so many plans, but only a few seems to get done. maybe because it has something to do with my perfectionistic attitude. i take too much time doing something because i want it to be genuinely the best (like i take too much time blogging and making testimonials for my friends at friendster!), however, some things i have to attend to never gets the chance to churn out even a one percent result. i like filling my organizer with a day to day schedule, but never in my whole life was i able to really follow it. i guess i have to work on that, huh? maybe having a routine would do me good.
these are the stuff i wanna finish, but i haven't started yet:
*finish the Harry Potter series before HP6 gets out (i have never been a fan of HP, but for the sake of reading, i know it won't do me any harm)
*finish all the Luanne Rice's novels we have here at home
*finish Nicholas Spark's The Rescue
*finish all the novels i bought at Booksale
whoa, there's so much to read!
*submit an article to Koinonia (because i have long promised tita belle i will submit one)
*submit an article to the Youngblood section the Inquirer
now where should i start?

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1:39 PM

ive been infront of the pc the whole morning. im too lazy to write now.

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May 05

May 31, 2005

8:18 AM

indolent: adjective wanting to avoid activity or exertion
i have never been this indolent in my life. the day that i stepped into college was the day i will never forget. the pressure i get at ateneo, where people pay a big amount of dough to manifest their magical brain powers, condenses my self-esteem. now you might be saying that it should be the other way around: my confidence should have bolstered because i was able to get in to the ateneo. i also expected that from myself. i expected a fresh start in college and a total end from continuous ranting and cramming since schoolwork during high school was also hell (medsci...). but not much to my surprise, things have never changed.
there was never a single night that i purposely go to bed to sleep, because even before the middle of the night, i have already fallen asleep (that's me when im stressed. therefore, im always stressed.)! i have gained blah-blah pounds from eating too much. i could count by my fingers the times i have tried not to cram. i could not recall how many times i have been unprepared for a test (because of too much fretting, i found it hard to push myself to prepare). ive lost God-knows-how-many hair from pulling them almost everytime. i have to delay some of my activities because i have not yet started with my papers/homeworks/research/etc. i never had time to just really relax because of my impaired condition. trying to fix myself up is just really hard...
you see, the problem is not because i can't. it's not because i can't be part of the dean's lister, or i can't write a good paper, or do good in recitation, or perfect my exams, or figure out my math. it's not because of that, for i know very well that i can do those stuff. the only problem is it seems i can't be as good as them. it seems their brains are ten times larger than mine! their prose are no doubt better than mine. they can speak more eloquently than i can.
i cant help to think sometimes if i deserve to be part of these savvy group.
however, at the middle of my writing right now, i realize that im acting like a LOSER. i obviously know what im capable of. i have my own set of goals, but these are all disillusioned with the success of others. comparing myself to others is just plain pointless. at one point, i'd be so proud of myself because i seem to fare better than one person; then on a spur of the moment, i'd see one bunch totally better than i am, and before i know it, my heart's already breaking. so see? what's the sense of that?
my superior, competetive, perfectionistic, and vexed nature has been killing my soul for a year now. i never became productive or whatsoever during my first year in college because i always wanted to be on top right away, even if i also know it entails a lot of sweat before i can get on top. i was always in denial. i never accepted the challenges infront of me. i always whine. i always complain. i always grouch. i have never been proactive. i have been so harsh with myself.
having learned all these, i know God's allowing me to prove myself again this following schoolyear. i believe He's just so willing to help me once again! i know He just wants me to concentrate on what i have (my talents, my skills, my experiences) and to use the most out of it. then, i don't have to worry what will happen next--- whether i'd get what i want or not. my future's under God's care, and what He wants for me is surely the only BEST thing for me. i would just have to let go of trying to be in control all the time, and rather just try to succumb to His will invariably...

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May 30, 2005

12:58 PM

i have been too lazy to blog for the recent months! but anyhow, i'm still alive, just for you to know. here are some of the pictures over the summer:
*Zambales trip with my family and my cousins Ate Ne and Donsky

lalang!

all of us three at zambales..

me and kuya

sunset at zambales

yuckie donsky!

waitin’ for our food!
*Circle of Love (Youth Encounter # 8) : Jen, Enzo, Regit, Dredre, Baby and I were assigned to take over! :D

circle of love facilitators... naks!

circle of love facilitators 2
* FAMILY ENCOUNTER # 11 SPONSORING: After 6 months of practice, we finally did it, all for the glory of God! :) It's just so sad that I missed Besh's debut because I can't leave the sponsoring during that time. Sorry besh. :(

fe practice

smile, even if it’s hot!

March 05

March 07, 2005

6:03 PM

i am so wasted. i gained a few pounds already (food has been my best companion these days... but i hope im not gonna curse it in the end). acne's starting to build their homes on my face. my hair's getting thinner and thinner. WAAAAAAHHHHH...
i still have so much to do. our finals are coming up and i still have to finish all these papers assigned to us. i can't take it anymore.
i envy those who can juggle all those schoolwork in their hands and yet, they still look SUPERB!

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March 01, 2005

8:54 AM

buy Missy Higgins album! SHE ROCKS! i listen to her music 24/7! check out her lyrics, they're grand! part of the reason why i love to listen to her songs is the fact that her songs really soothes my aching, tired, exhausted soul.
you got it right. i am still in so much stress.

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February 05

February 21, 2005

6:46 PM

i am not dead. even if all of these schoolwork are killing me, i am still breathing. i would never be suffocated by the pressure of success, for I am with Him. He leads my way, and truly, there is nothing to be afraid of. i may be lost, but surely, He'll put me back in the right track.
He loves me... and yes Lord, I LOVE YOU TOO. :D
be back with a long entry after all these! ciao! :D

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February 11, 2005

7:52 PM

I WANT TO...
* be an expert in programming... and in making websites... TEACH ME :'c
* learn how to make super nice Flash Presentations
* learn on how to navigate Adobe Photoshop, as well
* SLEEP right now
* finish my ARP ASAP (but i know i can't )
* watch Meet the Fockers
* have a massage
* change the music here in my blog
* write a good entry, but i can't
* write an essay but my mind's not functioning
* write a poem (hmmm... i wanna write A LOT...)
* pray, esp for those in need (i think this is the only thing i can do as of the moment)
* finish reading all the already-dust-covered novels on my book rack
* go to Greenhills
* and buy clothes...
* bags...
* make-up...
* accessories..
* AND flip-flops/sandals/shoes!
* finish all my homeworks already (but i'm too lazy...)
* download songs and cd-write all of it
* take a warm bath
* eat Mcdo french fries
* with Mcflurry Oreo...
* and still not gain weight wahaha
* change my blog's template (AGAIN)
* surf the net all over the weekend
* go to Caliraya for some strange reason
* buy a new phone! (Vina, akin na cel mo!)
* have an XDA or P900 (Queen? hehe.)
* have a brand new modern age laptop (panahon pa ni kopong-kopong yung akin)
* eat banana split
* stop thinking of what i want NOW
* hear a good joke
* talk to someone. wala lang.
okay, ill stop na...
c'est la vie.
BY THE WAY... haha! here's for a good laugh!
How To Start Your Very Own Blog In Fifty-One Easy Steps! MUST-READ! :D

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February 10, 2005

8:01 PM

how come i couldn't manage my time? argh! i made a schedule of all of the things i need to do tonight. NOW, it's already 8pm, and i haven't finished any single thing!! :'(
Yahoo! mail has problems as well (or is it my pc??)... It can't attach the files i need to send to my classmate tonight! waaah!

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8:58 AM

by the way, please please pray for my cousins' family. God, i believe you're helping them out. THANK YOU.

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8:03 AM

"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within." -James Baldwin
i have my masks. i can't easily open my truest self to everyone i know. i blend with them... i try to get along with them... i could be very cautious at times, for i am afraid i may be neglected, abandoned, and left.
however, it gives me such comfort knowing that somewhere in this world, i could freely take off my masks, show off my beauty and flaws and, still, be accepted and loved. it gives me such delight knowing that somewhere in this world, i could just talk and talk without even thinking what i'm saying and yet, evey word i say... every pouring of blood out of my heart... would still be collected, cleansed and rejoiced upon.
i am just so glad, that for almost 4 years now, i have that security of having that somewhere in this world, where i could just throw away my masks and be seen bluntly for who i am...
Somewhere in this world, I am ME... And I'll forever cherish the thought that somewhere in this world would always be in his heart.
advance happy valentine's baby...
Thank GOD I have you.

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February 07, 2005

2:17 PM

Convictions
I long to wake to the brightest of sunshines
and to live in the finest moments of my life.

I dream to touch the tallest peaks
and to reach the highest skies beyond the clouds.

I will make sense of all that is right.
I will face whatever comes
with a strong and willful heart.

I will love as if nothing else matters,
as if my very being exists solely
for the beating of my heart.
the first time i read this poem, i knew exactly that it reflects my heart.
great job sheryl!!
here are some thought-provoking quotes that i found in sheryl's blog as well.
"Love is a commitment of the heart that will stand the test of wavering emotions, intellectual rationalizing, circumstantial allure, hormonal infatuation, and even the wounds of your lover. Anything less is not true love."
"Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are." -- Warrior of the Light, a www.paulocoelho.com.br publication.
thank you Lord for such insights. ü

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8:49 AM

baby was in a badminton game yesterday. he asked me to open my mail to see this picture, so that i may think he won. but no i didn't! hehehe. joke lang baby. i know you're more than all the trophies in the world. yihaa, kilig na 'yan!

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8:25 AM

no classes today. hurrah! am in a hurry because i still have to take a bath and rush to tita ni's house to send an e-mail to my classmate who has been waiting for it for sooo long already. (whoa!) sorry, carmela.
saw maxene's blog a while ago. she has been my classmate in math, but then she dropped it 'coz she's afraid it might affect her QPI since math11's really really hard. well she's one giddy girl, but after reading her blog... i realized she has one good heart as well. snaps for you, maxx!ü

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February 06, 2005

1:17 PM

i have a new layout again! my previous skin had some problems, so i had to replace it since i don't have any idea how to fix it. sayang, i love that layout pa naman. anyweiz, this one is good as well!ü post on my tagboard everyone! (scroll down at the right menu) thanks!ü
♥ing life

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1:04 PM

Pictures, pictures, pictures!ü

enjoying free cut at jollibee!

me, juice and doty!

charles, me, doty and lloyd =D

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February 04, 2005

7:12 PM

yey! im home already. school wasn't really that bad today, to think that it is a friday. i usually both love and hate fridays. i love it because the weekend's starting already, yet i hate it because it's the day where i stay longest in school. my classes are from 7:30-3:30... i have english, lit, math, chem lecture and my chem lab!
i already posted here a while ago that i was late in my english class. i was preparing for lit pa nga di'ba? surprisingly, while i was walking on my way to our classrom, one of my classmates told me that we have free cut in lit! happiness#1! wooohoo! thank God also at naabutan ko pa sina queen and juice (together with doty, charles, and lloyd) , who were all planning to eat out! of course i tagged along! happiness#2! hahaha. we decided to eat in jollibee, whose breakfast i actually like better than mcdo's. (i pointed this out to them!) when we were there already, queen, doty and i decided to eat beef tapa. happiness#3! i love jollibee's beef tapa... and of course, their hamburger steak! (okay, stop those thoughts now.) we also took pictures (which i will post here soon) the whole time, and planned to have the whole block to go to tagaytay (happiness#4!) before summer classes start (oh yes, we have summer classes). they also genuinely helped me with my math homework, as usual. that's what best about MIS people, actually. they're so good in math (lalo na si queen and eric!), as if they have calculators built in their brains!! oh well that's happiness#5!
during our break naman, tin and i were together. i love being with tin! actually we're supposed to be a group consisting of jo, mich, tin and i. i'm actually like the 4th wheel (if there's such a thing) because the three of them are english and lit blockmates! they get to hang out together, samantalang ako, i get to be with them separately. for example kanina, i was with tin. there are times that i'm with jo, whom i love as well (i share a locker with her), and there are times naman that i am with mich, whom i love as much. kaso mich and i very seldom spend time together because our scheds don't meet (bruha, meet tayo!=D). im not really close to my home blockmates, but im just so happy that i have these people. happiness#6!=D
carmela also told us (another home blockmate of ours) that we don't have nstp anymore for this sem, since the kids whom we're teaching (literary training service kasi kami) have to have make-up classes every saturday because all of their classes were suspended this week. another piece of joy! happiness#7! well NO, im not happy because i don't get to serve those kids anymore. it would be a long time before we get to see each other again... i'm really gonna miss them actually. they are so sweet! one of them even gave me a bracelet. pero what really makes me happy is the fact that my saturday mornings are free already!! it could be really tiring to the eyes to see ateneo 6x straight in a week, you know.
anyweiz, i forgot my lab apron during chem lab! buti nalang mang jun was there to lend me one. happiness#8! sir rene was also very nice. he lend me his book, How to Make Yourself Miserable (it's a funny book). i wanna tell him sana that his subject itself makes me miserable already!! hehe, kidding! i promised him that i'd lend him one novel as well (baka yung kay john grisham).
papa wasn't able to fetch me today. but it's a blessing in disguise actually. juice and i commuted the way home together. we had our One to One in... guess where? Go Nuts Donuts! haha, envious?? oh well!=D happiness#9! we talked about prayer and how important it is in our relationship with our Big Guy up there. God gave us his word in the Bible; we give our word back to him through prayer. if we pray for God's will in our lives, we are really sure to get an answer, which for sure is the best for us.
my trip home was kinda scary because there were these dirty big guys in the bus! thank God im home safe right now, and still perfectly fine to end this entry.
my hours didn't turn out to be dragging... yet my wait has been over. time to rest now! no classes on monday.=D ♥ing life =D
BTW, i got prizes (bookmarks!) in english because our group was the best in one activity, and then i got a B+ in my long test (was that a long test?). happiness#10!=D

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7:59 AM

im late. waaah. this is, like, the 5th time i've been out for english. i woke up at 6 a while ago ('coz i arrived home at 11 last night because we still had to watch a play in school) and yet, i still slowly prepared for school. i was in the bathroom for, like, 15 minutes. basta i finished taking a bath, dressing up and brushing my teeth (after munching a piece of spam!) at 645. i went to my dad to tell him that i'm all okay already. pero wow... when i saw him, he was still in his sando and shorts!! GRRR. so there.. i waited for around 7mins again for him to be dressed... then off we went. syempre how can you expect someone to arrive in katipunan from paranaque in just around 30 mins?! kaya 'eto... im here again in foyer, and again, using the pc for the nth time.
i'm trying to find an analysis of the short story The Fog Horn by Ray Bradbury, because i'm not really sure of what's its theme and all. eh eto na yung discussion in lit mamaya. but heck, wala akong makita!
i want to go home already. i want to sleep. i want to eat. i want to sleep. i want to eat.
but still 7 hours to go. that's just a short time, isn't it? 7 "short", draaaagggiiing hours.
oh well "sometimes life could be really exasperating" (quoted from my chem prof by the way).
gotta hold on. still ♥ing life =D

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February 02, 2005

7:00 PM

i feel like narrating the events of the day, so please let me.
*you have no choice anyway!*
i arrived at school early. i think i was already there at around7. lloyd was the only person in the room when i got in. so there... we chatted for a while. we talked about the film which we were required to watch by our prof in our lit class. it's entitled Three Seasons. we're not really a fan of art films that's why we both agreed that it was a bit hard to comprehend.
one by one, my classmates started arriving. they rushed to their seats and looked over their notes while waiting for our prof. only then did i realize that we were supposed to have a long quiz pala! buti nalang i-a-attack lang namin ung isang essay and point out what's true and fallacious about it.
so ayun. our prof arrived and handed over the essay.
the essay was so judgemental! the author (Art Bell) despises filipinos so much! guess what's the essay's title? filipinos... *make me puke*. shoot. i wanna pray for him BIG TIME. there was so much discrimination in his text. kesho daw third world tayo, wala tayong karapatan maki-connect sa china and japan. "nothing good has and could ever come out of Filipinos", he said. what the heck. WHO is HE anyway?
after my english class, which was already our lit class, i started doing my math homework. pa lang. my math class is after my lit class. procrastinator huh?!! kaya man, i really have to lessen my cramming skills. (this is my everyday's resolution but nothing really happens) well i know i couldn't possibly get rid of it totally. kaya nga lessen na lang eh. hehe.
we also had oral recitation in lit about the story The Bread of Salt. i was the one who first recited. our prof asked me to explain the theme of the story. well i knew my point already but it was completely a different thing trying to explain it straight in english. i stammered from time to time! haha.
afterwards, queen helped me with my math homework. i rushed to my math class as soon as the bell rung. i had some of the questions in my homework still unanswered. buti na lang jen was there. she let me copy some of her answers. i crammed na nga, i cheated pa. God sorry.='c
after math, juice (thanks juice!) tagged along with me sa bel because i needed to request for the transcript of my 1st sem grades, which is one of the requirements for me to be able to shift to another course. ayaw nga lang nila ibigay 2ndsem advisory grades ko.='c i lost the original copy of my 2ndsem advisory grades that's why i tried to ask for a new one again. but they didn't allow. so pagdasal ko nalang daw na 'di maligaw ng kartero yung extra copy ng grades ko addressed to my parents (sabi ni juice). well haha, that's my only hope. (at least i still have hope, di'ba.)
then the best part! we had cell! i was super hyper kanina! haha. the warm-up question was what talents are we proud of. grabe, guess what jo shared? EATING! she insisted that it is actually a talent to eat kasi raw bakit pa may mga eating contests di'ba? wahaha, whatta a point! jo could really make me laugh.=D (peace jo!=D)
then david had his sharing. these are what i learned:

• God gave us our talents for us to develop it. We develop it for the sole purpose of pleasing Him. Only Him.
• There's no point comparing ourselves to others because God gave us different talents with different measures. Whatever has been given to you, God expects much from it. That's why you need to focus on what you have to be able to produce something.
• When you focus on your talents, you do not only please God but you also earn self-fulfillment.

that is why after listening to david, i promised myself i WILL really polish my writing for the greater glory of god. i WILL also play my keyboard more often para 'pag magaling na magaling na 'ko, i could play every time there's worship at church. i WILL practice the gift of listening to make others realize that there is still someone who cares for them, because i believe i am a medium of a God (all of us should be).

so there. i had chem afterwards (oh no, i think i failed our test). 130 struck and i went home already. papa brought me home that's why 230 pa lang andito na 'ko. i have been stuck infont of the pc since 3!

naka ym ko rin c dahlia! i super love her. she's really easy to talk to. i regret not having been with her when we were still in bene.

anyweiz, im still off for one busy yet productive evening! good night world. ♥ing life =D

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February 01, 2005

6:20 PM

i didn't go to school today. i wasn't feeling okay. besides, i was supposed to only have pe and fil today. okay lang umabsent. hehe.
im infront of the pc almost the whole day already. been busy reformatting this blog of mine. i super love my creative piece of hardwork! haha. actually i was supposed to be done with this kanina pang noon... but this pc hung!! i got super hysterical!! oh well. that's why see... my eyes are all strained na.
im pondering on happiness right now... wala lang. all of us wants to be happy. the reasons why we want to be happy drive a big part in our lives. that was actually the point that really made me think, because i think some of my reasons are actually unnecessary.

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2:40 PM

finally im back!! been out of touch for ages!!
right now, my back is already aching plus i can't put anything to write.
be back later. i swear. enjoy the new layout!=D
madz: haha hi!!

November 04

November 19, 2004

8:27 PM

Our yearbook is the best! Just wanna share. =D

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November 16, 2004

9:30 AM

la akong ginawa the whole weekend! waaah...
i can't concentrate on doing anything right now...
kung ano-ano-ano-ano pumapasok sa isip ko...
heeeelp...=/

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November 08, 2004

8:36 PM

3 hours and 20 more minutes to go...
and it's my bday already!! yahoo!
i really got touched by some people who greeted me already in advance.. like, Chesca (my elementary bestfriend!), Rhea (my super namimiss na bestfriend ko rin, back naman in HS, Jas (thanks thanks jas jas) and JC (oh well he greeted me anyway, so thanks.. hehe..).
i really don't know what my plans are for tom.. we might meet.. we really want to, if fate permits..ü
im so glad open na yung LRT3 up to Recto.. haha! i tried it a while ago. bumaba ako sa Recto, searched for LRT1 for like 10 mins.. rode LRT1 and the BEST part here is from Recto, 2 stations away lang from Central.. where Mapua is.. hehe.. So in short, we met a while ago.. mga 30 mins lang siguro kasi 3 may class na siya.. then i rode the LRT1 again and dropped off at Edsa Taft station.. then rode a jeep, baba sa Severina... rode the trike.. and haha! im home!
i guess that's God's bday gift for me.. hehe.=p
THANK YOU God for a wonderful, colorful and splendid 17 years you have given me..ü

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October 04

October 29, 2004

10:03 PM

10:15 pm. i know it's too late to brainstorm for anything to do, pero i really wanna do something... im boooored...
magbabasa na lang ako.
sHoUtOuTs! "Ü"
Shen: miss u, luvyah! =D
Hun: Hope you're ok na with school. Im just here, like you have always been there for me. ;'D
Meow: What's up with u meow? I super miss u!!
Spice: When is he leaving? ='c Kaya mo yan spice... Luvyah...
GOD: THANKS FOR EVERYTHING. I LOVE U.

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1:45 PM

hey jas.. i miss you!
wala lang, i'm bored. ate ne is planning to go here later.. iris is going as well. it has been a long time since i have last been with iris... it has been like, years.. pero kapitbahay ko lang siya!
anyway, i have enrolled already for the second sem. my sched's still the same (that's a good thing!!). i got chem for my natsci kasi sabi nila A-ble daw ang chem. Chem was actually one of my most dreaded science subjects back in HS, but then I'd rather take it than Zoology and Botany! (saka i have LOTS of friends to tutor me if Chem would drive me nuts! hehe!) God, I remember my Medsci days! Maybe if I weren't in the Medsci group, I have faired higher grades. Nag Physci nalang sana ko.. O di by now, I know how to make a Flash Presentation na. Pero ok lang din kahit nag Medsci ako kasi it was there rin naman where I have found real and strong friendships.=) I'm not really for SCIENCE lang talaga. Thank God I didn't pursue Med!
I got my class cards narin. I got Satisfactory in my Basic subjects which are English and Math. I got B in my regular subjects except for PHYSICS! Bwiset talaga na Physics yan, wala akong natutunan! I did not get a B (coz if I did, that's totally a dream) but a C. It was fine with me kasi ang hirap naman talaga! di kasi kami tinuruan ng concepts sa Physics ni J.Flo nung 4th yr eh! she made us think that Physics is Applied Math. wala akong natutunang concepts. bad, bad, bad.
my mom and I, together with Ina and Jules, were in Bene yesterday to get Ina and Jules' report cards. damn their good! si jules naka-gold card, tapos si ina bronze! suwerte nila kasi lahat ng teachers na magagaling, teachers nila! buti wala silang NON for Math!! lucky lucky them! then we went to ATC after the PTC. we ate in Pizza Hut. sarap ng roast beef pizza! yum! (ok, nagmamadali na ako..)
i hope besh would sleep here this weekend. plano niya eh. sana talaga! gotta go for now. byie!!=)

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October 26, 2004

6:58 PM

As I rest against this cold hard wall, will you pass me by?
Will you criticize me as I sit and cry?
I had fought so hard and thought that all my battles had been
won
Only to find the war had just begun
Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out and start again?
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance with me
Please can I have one chance to start again
Will my weakness fall and now make me suffer for a lifetime?
Is there any way to be made whole again
If I be renewed and find forgiveness by the strength I've never
had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plans?
Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out and start again?
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance with me
Please can I have one chance to start again
He took my life into his hands
And turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance, is where I'm finally found
That You are strong enough
That You are pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
That You are brave enough
To take one chance on me,
Oh thank You for my chance to start again

strong enough...

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October 25, 2004

1:27 PM

hate it!! i was writing a while ago, biglang nag-back! yan tuloy! ulit na naman!!
shen's debut was really fun!! grabe, if you want to get an events coordinator, i assure that you won't get disappointed if you choose That Wonderful Day. astig, i swear.
everything went out smoothly. (except for my hair? grr, di kasi bagay sa'kin nakataas eh) basta we had so much fun. ok din yung performance namin!!ü
wilbert and i are ok na. kinalimutan na namin yung issue which i was blurting about in my previous entry. darn, i miss his hug... he was so sweet pa. before i left, he gave me this pink flower which he got from God-knows-where. he also gave me yung ruffles-ruffles na ginamit niya noong dance. and God, i miss his eyes when he stares...
sayang nga lang ang aga ko umuwi... i wanted to bond with them pa! sana makapunta sila sa bday ko on the 14th.ü actually i really wanna make kwento and all, pero im running out of time. next time na lang.ü
again, HAPPY BDAY shen!! =D

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October 23, 2004

9:45 AM

my head is starting to ache! i slept at around 3. wilbert and i had a fight... fight nga ba yun? hindi naman.
we were supposed to talk at around 10:30. tapos hindi ko siya ma-contact. nainis ako and went off to sleep. then i woke up... i saw that he left me with 2 messages. kino-contact daw niya ako. so i called him up.
as if some demonic forces took over me, i started to be cold to him. ewan ko, basta bigla na lang akong nabadtrip. grrr... hanggang sa napunta na naman yung usapan kay "u-know-who"... and everything just got worse. pati siya naiinis na.
he told me na wag daw ako worry ng worry kasi nakakapikon daw. e sa nakaka-worry eh, mapipigilan ko ba yun? im trying damn hard to move on and forget what HE DID. im trying... im trying, and trying... so don't get me wrong. madali lang mainis at sabihan ang isang tao, pero MAHIRAP kalimutan yung lintik na sakit na dinulot sa'yo.
it's not easy getting over hell, trust me. ayokong iparamdam sa'yo, or else i'd bet for a million bucks that you'd be taking back everything you say.

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October 22, 2004

9:02 PM

i have been literally in front of the pc for 9 seemingly quick hours... i've been busy reformatting this blog, trying to figure out HTML crap... my eyes feel are sore...
i still don't know how to post pictures using hello! waah! if some kind soul knows how, please help me.
anyhow, having been able to figure out some of those HTML crap is certainly an achievement! HOORAH to me!=)

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7:28 PM

haha! im back, and my blog just have some refurnishing!=)
it's our sembreak right now. let me update you with what have happened with me recently...
10.11.2004
1:45 pm
Just had my finals in Physics a while ago. It was moderately easy.ü 50 items, 2 points each, multiple choice, PLUS 5 points if you could write a good joke. I am not kidding! San ka pa. Hehe. I hope to get a C+ or a B (you wish) in Physics. Or an A? (NO WAAAAY.)
I got off from school early. 8:45 paalis na ‘ko. Nasa Bicutan na ko ng 10 when my mind started to decide to eat KFC Chicken Fillet combo meal for lunch. (I know. Am supposed to be in a diet, but I still can’t) Grabe, the whole time that I was in the bus, nagtatalo lang isip ko kung kakain pa ako o hindi.
Kaso napagastos pa ko lalo! I bought 2 booklets (How to study effectively... & A Healing Place in A Hurting World), a rosary guide, and a Meg Magazine (kasi it has some tips para daw mawala yung puson!) 100+ na lang natitira sa pera ko! Pero magagamit ko naman kasi yung mga yun. I’ll consider it as my sem break gift (haha, what the..?!)
Anyweiz, mag tu-two na, ‘di parin ako nag-aaral! Dapat 5 tapos na ko sa Math para the rest of the night is for Fil (Oh God, I really have no idea how to study for Fil)
Sige na... Later.
4:16 pm
SHIT! Not yet even halfway of Math! I slept for, like, an hour. Waaahhh...
4:53 pm
Anong oras kaya ko matatapos? Feeling ko 8 pa... Sinasagutan ko lahat ng exercises sa Appendix B...
5:04 pm
Should I eat dinner pa? I’m not planning to sleep tonight, so should I? I have to pray the rosary at 6... Ate Ne is suffering from a heartache right now, na tingin ko, is a BIG waste of time. That guy is not worth a tear at all!
5:34 pm
Si Ate Cel ginawan ako ng ham sandwich! Sarap! Ano ba to, di ko masagutan tong Math ko!
10.09.2004
8:11 am
I’m studying already. I was planning not to sleep a while ago, pero grrr..… I fell asleep.. AGAIN! Sa bagay, I’m not a superwoman naman that I can afford not going to sleep for the whole weekend. Plan ko kasi wag talaga matulog eh, as in Friday-Sunday. Haaay.
I’m still at the 1st chapter of my Physics. Dapat matapos ko ‘to today, no matter what. Then I’ll study Math. Sa Monday na ‘ko magaaral ng Fil since I have a long day naman on Monday to study since isa lang test ko. Then, sa Tuesday na lang rin ‘yung English ko. Actually, ‘di nga kailangan magaral sa English eh! Essay writing, reading comprehension, context clues lang naman kasi, (Buti na lang basici ako. Grabe hirap ng regular and merit!)
Good Lord please help me not to fall asleep. I wonder how Ateneans are already doing right now.. Probably majority of them are more worried, since mas mabibigat load nila. I have to prepare myself for next sem since patayan na talaga doon.
I ate so much last night! Nag-earthquake nga rin pala. Wilbert got all frenzy about it.. Hehe. And then he started telling me yung feature sa Oprah kagabi (yes, my boyfriend’ DOES watch Oprah) It wa’s about Indian girls being forced into marriage kahit bata pa lang sila, like 12 or 13. Tapos sila pa mamaanhikan ah! ‘Pag ayaw ng guy yung gift nila, gagawin silang outcast or yung mom nila! Tapos yung mga girls na nabuntis na at a very tender age, considered din as an outcast, kasi most of them excrete through the holes in their external genitalia (got to be scientific here. hehe)
Kawawa nga namang mga babae. Mga lalaki talaga. I hate it when people are so sexist. Hindi ba dapat equal lang ang lahat? Duh.
Then Wilbert suddenly said stuff about being selfless and all that. I was so amazed that I fell asleep. Hehe. My hunnie is such an angel.
Anyway, so much of this. My tummy’s growling already (again).
9:44 am’
Hate it when my mom is suspicious. Kaya ako ganito eh. I got her suspicious attitude, if there’s such a thing. Bwiset.
9:47 am
I’m not going to Shenny’s practice tom. Finals ko raw sabi ni Mama, ‘Di raw nila ako mahahatid.
Okay, lets be logical. May punto naman si Ma.
Iya, stick to your priorities. Mag-aral ka na nga.
9:50 am
Kailangan ko ng magdiet. 2 more weeks before Shen’s debut and I'm still pigging out! I wanna read Bridget Jones The Edge of Reason. (probably buy this for sem break?)
Sheeet. A lot of things are popping in my mind!
9:55 am
I’m doing good.. doing good..
9:56
Just had the “greatest feeling in the world. Haha, figure that out.
10:45 am
Did I just wept my tears? Got to Believe in Magic kasi yung song. Iniisip ko kasi pag ako yung may debut, parang ganoon yung love song namin ni hunhun ko.
Punta na ‘ko tom. Tumawag dito si Tita Nenette. I-vi-video n pala kami sa 18 candles tom. Ok lang.=)
Kailngan ko talagang tapusin tong inaaral ko.
11:10 am
I’m pissed off for some unclear reason out of a sudden.
10:10 pm
Badtrip! Di ako naka-aral ng matino. Feeling ko aral ako ng aral pero di naman pumapasok. Haay. May other factors pa (which I prefer not to say)
Ang TAKAW ko pa! Waaah!
10:14 pm
Iaantok yata ako. NO IYA, NO.
10:26 pm
Bit by bit, I’m feeling better.. Really better.. Screw you Satan, don’t dare touch me again. I have my GOD.
10.06.2004
9:05 pm
I had a great day today.ü
Our presentation in English was held a while ago. I was the one who provided the LCD projector for the class since neither any lcd or conference room was available for our time slot in English this day.
I was so damn nervous when I got in the classroom. Juice, Queen and I tried to set up the laptops and the projector. The problem was the outlet is so loose. Wala pa kaming dalang extension cord. We can’t place all of the stuff at the right place. Sumisigaw na kami ni Juice for our blockmates to lend us scotch/masking/electric tape. Eh, wala. Sino nga naman magdadala nun di’ba? Hehe.ü
We eventually decided to use the back part of the room, since the outlet there is better compared to the other one. Everything went on smoothly afterwards. Our presentation was, so far, good!ü Sabi pa nga ni Eric that when he went to get his bag near Sir’s place (and said hi.. haha pasipsip ka eric=p), Sir actually told him that we were “very good”.
Ang funny pa noong presentation nina Dots! They were talking and all, until Kana’s laptop started playing this weird, funny music… They can’t turn it off kasi syempre, pag ginalaw nila yung laptop, makikita sa screen! So yun, it kept playing until nagsawa narin. Hehe.ü Nangti-trip pa kami ni Eric. Sabi namin papatayin naming yung lcd since na samin yung remote ng projector! But of course, we have no guts to do that.ü
After all of the presentations, Sir initiated for us to take pictures! Grabe picture galore kami! Hehe. I so, so, so love my English block! Pati si Sir! He’s one of the best teachers I ever had! (but I’m telling you, almost ALL professors in Ateneo are good)
Na-late na nga ko sa Math class ko after, pero ok lang. I was kinda sad kasi most probably, I could only get a B- in my final grade in Math. It would range from 80-83. So, equivalent to 3. Hindi pa nakunteto noh? Pero kung di lang ako tinamad during the latter part of the semester,siguro naka-4 pa ‘ko! Oh well.ü
Mama, Papa and I ate lunch in G4 after school. I just slept upon arriving home (as usual) I’m supposed to study Physics na, kanina pa ngang hapon dapat! I don’t wanna cram for the finals! Sana makaya ko!!! See, ngayon palang ako magaaral? Grrr.
Ang baboy ko lately. Sobra. My flabs are multiplying! Bwiset na puson yan! I have to go on a diet na. How I wish matupad din. Hehe.ü
Gotta go for now. Off for a bath.

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august 04

August 17, 2004

10:17 AM

* a tall, tanned guy (mas maganda if he has toned abs =p) surprising me with a bouquet of fresh, scented flowers...
* being serenaded....
* a guy checking on me every time...
* but if he can't, he apologitacally looks in my eyes and tell me, "now i want my time only for you..."
* a guy who bravely stands and talks to my parents even if he's breaking down inside...
* getting surprise letters...
* a guy who keeps on smiling, pati ako nahahawa na...
* being offered a seat and he stands behind you...
* i am talking when he suddenly interrupts and say, "i love you..."
* being walked to the car/house/school.
* a guy drying every tear i cry...
* and makes me not stop laughing...
* if i'm busy doing something, he still say, "is there anything i can do to help?"
* if none, he does his own thing as well, yet from time to time, he would ring me and say "i hope you're ok..."
* when he has done something that've hurt me, he arranges for us to talk... and tells me with dog-eyes, "please forgive me?"
* i hug him, and he leaps in joy.
* when a guy cries...
* he proudly tells in a crowd his love for me...
* after i keep on talking because i am angry, he says, "baby, calm down..."
* then he compromises...
* when i've hurt him, he assures me that he still loves me-- no matter what.
* huuuggggsss.....
* he stares at me...
* i stare at him and he blushes...
* he offers us to pray together...
* then he tells God how lucky he is to have me...
* and he whispers to me "i don't wanna lose you...."
well, at least, someone DOES make me drool right now... thanks, hun..

0 comments

9:56 AM

i texted him awhile ago.. and told him i need space. i need to be alone.. i don't want to go on hurting...
kilala ko sarili ko, and i know my limits.
there's a part where i told him i wanna make sure if i still love him. kasi i dont know kung love pa ba tawag dito.
i hadn't had time for myself... oras ko, binigay ko sa kanya. utak ko, binigay ko rin. pride ko, binabaan ko na. naniwala ako. nag-sakripisyo. nag-try magbago. magulang ko, tinalikuran ko sa kanya.
mahal ko, eh.
tapos ano? pagsisinungaling, panloloko, at pagpapaasa lang pala makukuha ko.
pero, ok lang.. sige parin.
'yun ang akala ko. pero hindi pala..
ngayon, sarili ko naman yung nawawala... hinahanap ko, hinahabol ko... sarili ko naman yung nag-tataksil...
ngayon paano ko masasabing mahal ko siya, kung mismong AKO nawawala?

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August 05, 2004

6:13 PM

i'm pulling my hair incessantly!! how can i ever resolve this? ='(
im still at school. i had my p.e class awhile ago from 8 to 9, and take note: 'yun lang class ko! the problem is i have to watch a play entitled bombita at 7pm. imagine what did i do for 10 long hours? haay, grabe talaga.

it's a good thing jo was there. i was with her the whole time. we went out to alimall just to watch a movie, and.... actually, the original plan was we were supposed to go to megamall or rob galeria, but then since alimall is nearer, 'dun nalang.
anyway, i have to cut this na. 6:30 na, eh.

BTW, don't watch Eternal Sunshine. it's not worth chipping for.

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july 04

July 23, 2004

11:01 AM

as what i've said, i'll be online again today! here i am! =) hehehe..
well well well, where must i start?
i'm in school today. it's my break kanina pang 10:30 which will last 'til 12:30. i'm more excited to do my blog nowadays since (thank God), the publisher of this site made certain improvements with the system. yahooo... i wouldn't have to put all those em's and strong's before every word i have to put into bold or italic..
i had a quick chat with myx last night. she asked me how's college life. i retorted that it's ok, pero nakaka-culture shock pa. when i asked her the same thing, she replied, on the contrary, that she is really enjoying it! that made me sag... 
i have nothing against Ateneo, because the school itself is really GRAND...
free internet, a homey campus, superb facilities, a cool library (where you can sleep for HOURS!), yummy foods... name it! you would really see where the all the money they make us pay are flowing to .
but with the people? haay, nakaka-shock eh. maybe im not just used YET to that kind of environment. pero it's not really that worse. it's just that some of my expectations were left hanging.
as for my studies, i'm sailing fine. there are ripples here and there, but nothing's damaged pa naman. i got 87/100 in my long exam in Math (which was supposed to be perfect pero since careless...! argh!!). it looks like i surpass my English classmates (bakit parang ang yabang ng dating?). but, and that's a biiiig BUT, in my Filipino class, im one of the most passive students, most particularly sa recitation. nakaka-sindak sila promise. plus, the narratives and poetries we discuss are really deep, you really have to practice diving in it... and another note: my classmates there are from my home-block, plus the people from Eco-H. now, you understand me, eh? lastly, the subject i don't wanna talk about... PHYSICS... did i just mention i don't wanna talk about it?
anyway, this is getting pretty long and i have to go to Booksale pa, to eat, and to meet-up with Sab. So, so much for now. Ciao.

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July 22, 2004

6:46 PM

i just realized i gave out my blog address to wilbert right now. hehe, hi hun? i guess some of here he shoudn't see... not really shouldn't... but because some of here consists him? but you love me naman diba hun? (blush) bratty girlfriend!=p
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" climb, hurdle, ponder, breath, choose...
this race is yours. take the power to control it. " -M-E!

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6:36 PM

well, this post was supposed to be last 2 sundays ago pa... (u figure out the date!)
it's a wonderful sunday morning!
i had peaches for breakfast. yup, that is breakfast for me. amidst in an unforgotten dream i was having, ate ne woke me up. she was on her way to her LSS with Mama and Papa, who will be serving there.
i can feel my feet going through the beat right now. Janet Jackson's All Nite is playing in MTV. im really a frustrated dancer. i can dance but its really hard for me to coordinate my feet with the rest of my body! (so did i just mention i can dance?) screw steps, i can't follow them as well.
i haven't done my homeworks yet. i was supposed to do it last friday but dinner was held because uncle alex, his nora my loves and tita mimay were here and were supposed to go home the next day. (OMG, Balisong is playing right now!!)and even if there was no gathering that time, i still can't do it because i have no ballpen! i wouldn't write unless my pen is a g-tech. OC noh?
it was a horrible friday last week. i lost my expanding envelope, and all my precious stuffs are there! my hand-outs are there (thank God it's not that many), my ballpens are there (my orange pilot hi-tech is there and i could not have one anymore because it was just given to me from Japan!), my post-its are there, my diskette is there,... haay... i looked for it everywhere. even joanna looked for it. but it can't be found. i just reported it to the dsws, and i hope someone would return it back to them- better yet, to me.
speaking of joanna, she's my blockmate in pe. we struddle and hurdle in aerobics! we have been both victims of culture shocking in ateneo that's why we get along. so far, i feel most comfortable with her among the elitistas and the conyolitos i see in school. she's really down to earth actually. truly human.
we're all home alone today because as what i said,mama and papa are serving in the lss. yahoooo! hehehe. i really think ate ne would really be empowered by the Holy Spirit. she needs it anyway.
oh god, i just did something not permittable right now. but anyway, what the hell? this is nothing, compared to...
im trying to remember something.. something that i will do.. ill watch uaap (ateneo vs dlsu!), ill watch scq reload (oh, that's for tomorrw pa pala), i forgot to watch coupling in star movies last night (coz i just slept again!!)... what pa ba? there's really something. i can't find it in my head...
anyway, i bought some stuffs yesterday in national (kasi nga i lost some of my stuff diba), some kikay stuff (i bought some for ina rin!), food.. grabe, its so relieving to shop, or should i say, to scatter money from your pocket?! haha.
we canvassed probable gifts for mama on her birthday.. we have chosen one already. it's really cool. i might buy it on monday na.
my only dilemma is what will i buy for wilbert's birthday and on our anniversary!
plus, the bigger problem is do i have enough money to save for those??
well anyway, gotta go now, bye!
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anyway! now? i'm fine. don't wanna elaborate yet. tomorrow nalang. i'll go online again.

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July 13, 2004

10:14 AM

screw love. screw pain. screw all the patches that goes along with it
parang yoyo utak ko... hindi steady...
litsugas. KAILANGAN ko ng ayusin sarili ko.
y does it have to be so hard, even if i know i need it??
screw love.

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July 06, 2004

6:24 PM

finally! 'pag mga diaries talaga, hirap ako i-maintain. anyway, i had a great great great day today!! despite the comotion that the lrt went off (BADTRIP!), and i have to take the jeep to cubao, which i had no idea at all, and i was freaking nervous 'coz i dont know where to get out of the freaking jeep... its still ok!!:-) why?? SECRET!! heheeh..
wish it would always be like this...

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What the hell

--R----.
if you want to get my attention, say this name (if you know what im talking about), and you'll surely get my attention. you'll get my attention, then i'll hit your mouth.
i don't want to elaborate. go figure.
i'll go babysitting my cousin katha later with ate ne. their maids are out, 'cause their brother recently died of brain tumor, i guess. my condolences.
wilbert and i are currently arguing right now. go figure again.
i hate it when this happens.