Vows

Commitment... it determines circumstances rather than being determined. Every commitment involves a promise. Persons making a promise are understood to be making predictions about themselves, they are asserting their firm intentions. They are not merely describing their present state of mind but are binding themselves to a future course." - John C. Haughey, S.J., The Act of Committing to Christ: Freedome and Conscience (from my Theology 151 book)

I can clearly remember Sean Covey emphasizing in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens (my how-to-deal-with-puberty guide) the importance of keeping promises to oneself. He says that just like when we break our promises to others, we also lose trust in ourselves when we fail to do stuff we're supposed to do, like when we promise we'll wake up early in the morning to exercise but we always end up putting off our alarm clock, snoozing until we panic as we finally realize it's already lunchtime. Our subconscious mentally notes every failed attempt of doing this and that, that's why the tendency is we reach a point that we already struggle into thinking that we can achieve our tasks/goals, until we doubt we can still make our dreams happen, that we can be who we want to be x years from now.

I'm a victim of this, of disappointing myself very so often, of not being able to set my own standards, of letting circumstances determine who I am. I show everyone I'm happy, I'm carefree, but actually, it seems I'm in a constant battle with myself. I know what I want, I know what I'm good at, but I don't know if I can still cross the line from point A to point B. I don't know if I can resist not to fall into the void outside, or if I don't get stuck at one point and find myself comfortable in not moving anymore.

But what I'm really clueless about is to when did I stop believing. When did the blandness take over? When did I ever lose my appetite for the euphoric feeling of success, of ticking off occasional to-do lists?

. . .

I think it is timely that I ponder upon those New Year resolutions now.

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Anyway, I think I will never get tired of photography and the wonders Photoshop brings.

Once upon a time...

On a Happier Note

Indeed, indeed.

Sisters; best friends

Near yet so far

Holiday feast

Mother, son, and our visitor for the holidays

Someone's got a new best friend!

Don't worry, I shall lose weight.

For the meantime, may you ward off all those holiday fat.

Blue Christmas

I really can't believe it's already the 24th today. I can't believe that a few hours from now, we will all be exchanging gifts under our old 8-feet Christmas tree. I can't believe I haven't even wrapped my gifts yet. To make it worse, I am not yet even done with my Christmas shopping! I really can't believe I'm all shook up this Christmas, to think that a survey showed that there are more Filipinos enjoying this year's holiday season.

Is it because of my impending graduation? It daunts me that I am totally CLUELESS on where to go after college. I was sure of what I wanted: writing, handling media, touching people's lives. But after my practicum in an advertising agency last summer, I became so unsure of that combination.

Clouding my hindsight even more, I suddenly don't feel secure living (and eventually building a family and growing old) in the Philippines. That is after knowing how damned our justice system really is through testimonies of some people I know of. That is after I went to Hong Kong and the States and saw that taxes were not invented for the beneficiary of shady politicians.

Or well, maybe I'm just inflicted with what they all call the Senior Year syndrome (seems to be this is everyone's cover story now). Could part of it be the fact that I am still unprepared to face the real world here, thus now, thoughts of being a fugitive from my own home country instantly became so tempting?

If it is, I can't believe I'd run away from a country, where Christmas celebration is incomparable, where bibingkas and puto bumbongs are the best, and where street kids, hankering after our regular pasta pamasko, are still left starving.

I'm sure these kids want to get out of this rut too (and so a million other helpless Filipinos). It's just that I'm burdened with a choice to flee. While these kids don't have any, not even the right to live.

20, Don't Mess with Me

Ang hirap mag-update! Kakainis! Ilang oras bago ako makapagsulat ng 'decent entry'. Eh kasi naman sinimulan ko 'to ng Inggles, kaya inisip ko, dapat Inggles na lahat! Eh ang mahirap, kapag nagsusulat ako, nakasanayan ko na i-outline muna. Yun kasi turo sa Basic English class namin noong first year. Hay naku! Bahala na si Batman! Isusulat ko lang kung anong unang pumasok sa utak ko. Akalain mo, kapag gusto ko magsulat dito, magbe-brainstorm pa ko, tapos topic outline, tapos first draft, 2nd draft, x draft, edit, edit, edit, tapos saka pa lang final draft!! Kakainis!! What a rigorous process. Yan tuloy, anong nangyari? Iilan lang ang posts dito! Kaya agree talaga ako doon sa quote na Perfection is a terrible taskmaster. Dahil gusto mo iperfect lagi, hindi mo tuloy namamaster! HELLO. Wala naman kasing grade requirement tong blogging. Bakit ba ako nagpapapressure.
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Anyway. So, what's up with me? Well... I've turned 20 and a lot has changed the past year. For one, I've been to Hong Kong and the US.. That's a record for someone who hasn't been abroad ever since (compared to most of my classmates who were traveling since they were in diapers hehe). From now on, I swear I would travel at least once a year to a place I have never been to my whole life (doesn't matter even if it's just in the Phils!). I'm (almost) done with thesis. Change of career plans - I don't want to go into Advertising anymore. I realized that in order to survive in that industry, you have to have either the guts to sell your ideas or a mind of a genius to come up with bizarre, obviously-this-is-the-plan plan. Neither of which is innate to me. Plus I am uncomfortable brainstorming in a large group. Lagi akong napepressure magisip ng puwedeng pambato na idea, but the pressure doesn't do anything except fry my brain. I know myself. I need to think first by my own and rehearse my lines, even anticipate the flow of discussion, before I can negotiate and converse in a lengthy formal (formal since it's work) discussion with people. So great. I learned all of this just in time. Just in time before GRADUATION. Just in time for me who can't reverse my way back and pursue another career.
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I'm ___ lbs. heavy, and dieting seems impossible. Savoring Kimchi, munching a bar of Lindt milk chocolate-in short, EATING-is the next best thing to getting a boyfriend. Retail therapy won't work since there aren't enough clothes that can fit me anymore (or maybe I'm just exaggerating).
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Wow. I wonder how worse can a quarter life crisis be.

To the Land of Stars and Stripes

US of A, I will miss you. :( Until next time!