To Be Young Again

It’s amazing how hanging out with a bunch of High School kids made me realize a lot of things.

My sister’s friends were here awhile ago to celebrate her fifteenth birthday. It was my first time to meet them, and right when they entered through our door, I immediately noticed how timid they were as they walked and waved back at me (I greeted them first so they wouldn’t think I’m a snob). I laughed at myself as I remembered that I used to be like that too. When I was in High School, it seemed to me that these college people have some kind of godly aura, which somehow made me adore them. Well, they have already passed the crazy world of puberty stage, have been more or less allowed to date, and have probably already drawn a vivid picture in their minds on what they’re going to do for the next five years or so. Now that I’m in college, I realized that we’re still as clueless as they (now the High School students) are. We may have more pride because our experiences outnumber theirs, but other than that, we still have nothing. We’re still unsure of what we want. Much worse, some of us still do not even know what we need. We may already be geared towards getting a job, but just like them, we still do not know which next step is best to take. Yes, most of us might already be allowed to date, and that would mean a lot during High School, but right now, even if our Theology professor convinces us to already look for marriage partner “potentials”, it has already become (at least for me) the least (see how the least naturally comes twice) of our concerns.

Then one of my sister’s friends, Jam, asked me for an impromptu interview for their Filipino (I’m just guessing) class. I had to answer just one question: Bakit pasaway ang mga Pilipino? I told her to stand by for a little while as I was trying to fish for an untried answer in my already sapped brain. As expected, I ended up giving her a trite response which revolved around the government and the Filipino mentality which tells us that we can get away with everything because the rules can be bent anyway. I was not satisfied with my answer and yet surprisingly, it seemed she was. Then I wondered… how many of my teachers could have felt that way?

After that, High School memories came flashing back when I saw them, obsessed with fixing their hair, in front of the mirror. I think that’s a classic Bedan signature (except for me because I am obsessed with another hair habit haha) because I have never seen anyone whose hair is laid as smoothly as some of my girl classmates’s before. In college, no one even bothers to fix their hair as long as how it took my High School classmates to fix theirs. Come on, how could we even bother to fix our hair now if we couldn’t even bother to get a boyfriend because we’re too busy trying to please our teachers, who may not actually even be sure of themselves either? Haha, funny thought, isn’t it? I hope obsessing over grades would make me someday shake my head too.

Looking at my sister's friends, I realized that I’m still a child searching for answers just like them. Twenty years from now, I will still be as clueless and as afraid, but probably over different matters already, like my kids’s tuition fee, house loan, and the like (but of course, I hope not haha). It has been a popular advice to remain childlike, but won’t we always remain childlike, filled with fear and uncertainty? The only difference is they don’t strike out hope, and we adults (in my case still a semi one) shouldn’t too, for the vague future ahead of us could actually still bring us good bearings too, wherein simple realizations like these could be counted as one.

Paralyzed

I realize I'm the type of person who finds it more difficult dealing with beginnings than with endings. Endings discharge me of the pressing weight of an experience; beginnings leave me with uncertainty. Endings gives me the opportunity to assess the situation so by the time I begin again, I know that I know better.

But proving that I know better demands a lot of willpower and tenacity, that's why beginnings startle me. It usually frightens me that I may not actually end up doing better than before.

Maybe this could explain why I cram my work most of the time. Mediocre History test results should have taught me a lesson, but here I go again, anticipating another let-down. I was eager to pull it through weeks before the test, but as usual, pressure overtook me and before I knew it, I was cramming again.

It's a daft equation. I am pressured of not ending up better (and the thought of not doing so paralyzes me) but I still end up just the same, and since life always gives second chances, I keep on doing the same thing. I learn, but I persist on doing nothing. When will I learn from doing nothing? I have forgotten that beginnings normally should spark even just a lil a bit of hope.

No More Too Lengthy But Few Posts

I admire those who can update their blogs regularly. To blog once a week is an achievement for me. I don't know if I am just too busy, or it's just that they can manage their time so effectively. Me thinks it's the latter one.

So from now I WILL blog more often, but to do so, I have to forsake my "verbosity tendencies". I also have to STOP writing under pressure as if this will be graded by some scrupulous professor. I have written x number of academic papers; blogging should be just my release. So warning, this isn't my writing in the best form. Don't screw me, haha.

But I will make sure I communicate my thoughts the best way I can, as often as I can. This is why I see the importance of blogging. It is a "free" way (because my parents pay the Internet bill) of sharing one's world to others, even if they come from countries I may not be able to visit 'til I die. When some lost stranger in the net reads even just a line on this page, an acknowledgement is already made—there's another person who has proof in his or head that I exist!

Anyway, I think I can justify why I haven't been blogging the past month. Yes, I have been busy, but it's not just that. I have been embarking on new experiences, and by these I could blaze that my New Year has started right after all. Why? It's because…

1. Our team won in Uniliver's Lovapalooza Contest!! 3 of our entries got in the Top 10, and guess one which one is whose? MIIIIINE!!! It was truly breathtaking to see my work displayed in public. But I hate the venue. Temple Bar was all crammed up that I wasn't able to take a picture of my displayed work.
2. Ateneo Job Fair. We were too busy taking our shifts and at the same time submitting our resumes.
3. My resume (PRACTICUM THIS SUMMER!!!)
4. Project Head of ACOMM (Association of Communication Majors) Resume Shuttle. I'm in charge of taking care of my batchmates's resumes. And why shuttle? Because I'll be the one submitting them to selected companies too. Whew, goooodbye gas!
5. I'm running for either President or Public Relations Head of PEERS (Peer Counselors). Mtg de avance was last Friday. Went out fine. But I think I was too focused on PR.
6. Another ad contest coming up. Due date is this February 12. Ateneo should bag this one again.
7. Jo's Surprise Farewell Party. This was last Saturday in her house. We coordinated with her classmates. We had problems while planning, but when we saw how thankful she and her family were, we knew it was all worth it.

Lucky 7, huh? I guess I'm bordering on a lengthy post again. Goodbye for now.