I realize I'm the type of person who finds it more difficult dealing with beginnings than with endings. Endings discharge me of the pressing weight of an experience; beginnings leave me with uncertainty. Endings gives me the opportunity to assess the situation so by the time I begin again, I know that I know better.
But proving that I know better demands a lot of willpower and tenacity, that's why beginnings startle me. It usually frightens me that I may not actually end up doing better than before.
Maybe this could explain why I cram my work most of the time. Mediocre History test results should have taught me a lesson, but here I go again, anticipating another let-down. I was eager to pull it through weeks before the test, but as usual, pressure overtook me and before I knew it, I was cramming again.
It's a daft equation. I am pressured of not ending up better (and the thought of not doing so paralyzes me) but I still end up just the same, and since life always gives second chances, I keep on doing the same thing. I learn, but I persist on doing nothing. When will I learn from doing nothing? I have forgotten that beginnings normally should spark even just a lil a bit of hope.
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