Now I Feel Like a Genius

Most of my friends know that I never had an interest in DNAs and parabolas, well basically because I always have a hard time imagining such abstract concepts (seen in Science and Math books!). BUT I think mostly everyone knows how much I LOVE tweaking computer codes, although it may also be considered abstract, since my dad, who is an engineer, introduced to me MS-DOS when I was 8, the Internet (through Netscape Navigator) when I was 11, and HTML when I was 14. I remember the days when I was the only girl who compete in 'computer contests' in school. I remember that before going to sleep, I used to regularly browse through my thick HTML guide, and I never admitted to anyone that I did that just for fun!

Sometimes, I still wish I have taken up MIS (Management Information Systems) instead of Communications as my undergraduate degree. Sometimes, I regret not taking programming classes, because if I did, I could have enhanced my 'techie skills', as how my friend Mich calls it.

But the Internet has been a great avenue for me to still explore HTML and CSS at least. I have long been looking for a desktop client which can allow me to post to all my accounts in Blogger, LJ, and Tabulas. I particularly had a hard time looking for a client which can cater to Tabulas because it's not as popular as the other two.

But after knowing that w.bloggar supports, not only Blogger and LJ, but also the old Blogger API, which hosts Tabulas, I became so excited I downloaded the software immediately! When I was customizing my account in bloggar, I didn't get at first what to put exactly under 'host' and 'path', until I figured out that the host is api.tabulas.com and its path is not /xmlrpc/ anymore but /blogger/. So hooray, I did the right thing, and now I can easily post to all my accounts, thanks to w.bloggar and also to my repressed 'techie skills'.

(and for the first time in a very long time, I feel like I was a genius to have worked that out!)

I hope this can be of help to others, especially to the Tabulas users out there, since there are already a lot of clients which support Blogger and LJ (like the fabulous Microsoft Live Writer).

So This Is How It Feels

Sometimes, I think about the past and I remember how different I was (it was) back then. I think about the times when I was genuinely happy and the times when I was also genuinely  sad, and I realize I have never felt the same way, never have I been fired up such extreme emotions. So I think this is how you describe the feeling of being okay, this is how you elaborate when a person asks how you are and you have nothing to gush nor whine about, and the only fitting answer you can say is just that -- I'm okay. 

And Because I Think This Would All Do You Good Too

My reply to one of my friends's blog entry:

"I hope you're all right. I know I have never been in a relationship for almost a year now, but being single for quite a long time made me realize a lot of things. My Theology professor always told us that love is a self-enlarging experience. It should bring out the best in both of you, not the other way around. Don't rely on feelings, because love is never a feeling. If it is, then we could never love for too long--our feelings sway from one to another; humans tend to become fickle. Love, then, is a CHOICE, an effort to build and make the relationship work. Sabi nga sa isang libro na nabasa ko, "Love is a marathon of the heart". In short, kailangan paghirapan, pagtrabahuan. Hindi madali magmahal, kaya it requires that the person who gets into it is WHOLE, may deep love for self. When you love someone, it couldn't be helped that you sacrifice a lot for that person. But if you already have a strong sense of self in you, kahit ilang sakripisyo pa ang gawin mo, para sa'yo walang nababawas sa sarili mo kasi beforehand, BUO ka na. People who sacrifice for the other just so they could get back at them someday are not "sacrificing". They are "self-sacrificing"

... Make it work, with yourself, and with him. Don't just be overwhelmed by the feelings. Constantly symbolize the love that is already there. And as much as chemistry is important to initiate a connection between two people, also keep in mind that fundamental similarities in both your personality or values ensure you a stronger and better relationship. ;)"

I wish I could've told this to myself before.

Rest Stop

My mom reiterates to me the importance of being able to stop the vicious cycle of work. How? Leave the cycle behind, then come back, and you gain your momentum. Puerto Galera is definitely a great breather from all the stress the recent school year has brought me. This is a good start for a less stressful yet fulfilling summer ahead. More pics here.

Note to Self

I used to define myself with the relationships I am in--whether it may be a relationship with my family, my boyfriend, or my friends. I used to love doing things so my parents will approve of me, or so my special someone will still continue to love me, or so that my friends would admire me. My worth was measured on how I measure up to other people's expectations. I used to wake up everyday not knowing what my standards are. I had never really grasped the meaning of enough, for I keep on persisting on what other people want from me. I can only stop only when my limits crash, for there is nothing anymore to hold and protect me.

I have lost love, for myself, to the child lingering within, and to the woman I have become. I have lost love to the fact that I love the day sky than the night, that I love my rice fried, that I never really love fish but vegetables are never a problem, that I love having profound conversations, but I also love to laugh over the most mundane, that I love to read and I love to write, whether my punctuations and grammar are in place or not, that I love dancing alone in my room, that I love exploring new places, that I love my man to be prudent and smart, and that I love dreaming big.

I posted this in a future date with the hopes that I reach this day with a regained love of self, that even if other people's opinions are important, what I would really deem important are the values which my heart clings to. I would live to remind myself that to efficiently deal with others, I have to master dealing with myself first.

To Be Young Again

It’s amazing how hanging out with a bunch of High School kids made me realize a lot of things.

My sister’s friends were here awhile ago to celebrate her fifteenth birthday. It was my first time to meet them, and right when they entered through our door, I immediately noticed how timid they were as they walked and waved back at me (I greeted them first so they wouldn’t think I’m a snob). I laughed at myself as I remembered that I used to be like that too. When I was in High School, it seemed to me that these college people have some kind of godly aura, which somehow made me adore them. Well, they have already passed the crazy world of puberty stage, have been more or less allowed to date, and have probably already drawn a vivid picture in their minds on what they’re going to do for the next five years or so. Now that I’m in college, I realized that we’re still as clueless as they (now the High School students) are. We may have more pride because our experiences outnumber theirs, but other than that, we still have nothing. We’re still unsure of what we want. Much worse, some of us still do not even know what we need. We may already be geared towards getting a job, but just like them, we still do not know which next step is best to take. Yes, most of us might already be allowed to date, and that would mean a lot during High School, but right now, even if our Theology professor convinces us to already look for marriage partner “potentials”, it has already become (at least for me) the least (see how the least naturally comes twice) of our concerns.

Then one of my sister’s friends, Jam, asked me for an impromptu interview for their Filipino (I’m just guessing) class. I had to answer just one question: Bakit pasaway ang mga Pilipino? I told her to stand by for a little while as I was trying to fish for an untried answer in my already sapped brain. As expected, I ended up giving her a trite response which revolved around the government and the Filipino mentality which tells us that we can get away with everything because the rules can be bent anyway. I was not satisfied with my answer and yet surprisingly, it seemed she was. Then I wondered… how many of my teachers could have felt that way?

After that, High School memories came flashing back when I saw them, obsessed with fixing their hair, in front of the mirror. I think that’s a classic Bedan signature (except for me because I am obsessed with another hair habit haha) because I have never seen anyone whose hair is laid as smoothly as some of my girl classmates’s before. In college, no one even bothers to fix their hair as long as how it took my High School classmates to fix theirs. Come on, how could we even bother to fix our hair now if we couldn’t even bother to get a boyfriend because we’re too busy trying to please our teachers, who may not actually even be sure of themselves either? Haha, funny thought, isn’t it? I hope obsessing over grades would make me someday shake my head too.

Looking at my sister's friends, I realized that I’m still a child searching for answers just like them. Twenty years from now, I will still be as clueless and as afraid, but probably over different matters already, like my kids’s tuition fee, house loan, and the like (but of course, I hope not haha). It has been a popular advice to remain childlike, but won’t we always remain childlike, filled with fear and uncertainty? The only difference is they don’t strike out hope, and we adults (in my case still a semi one) shouldn’t too, for the vague future ahead of us could actually still bring us good bearings too, wherein simple realizations like these could be counted as one.

Paralyzed

I realize I'm the type of person who finds it more difficult dealing with beginnings than with endings. Endings discharge me of the pressing weight of an experience; beginnings leave me with uncertainty. Endings gives me the opportunity to assess the situation so by the time I begin again, I know that I know better.

But proving that I know better demands a lot of willpower and tenacity, that's why beginnings startle me. It usually frightens me that I may not actually end up doing better than before.

Maybe this could explain why I cram my work most of the time. Mediocre History test results should have taught me a lesson, but here I go again, anticipating another let-down. I was eager to pull it through weeks before the test, but as usual, pressure overtook me and before I knew it, I was cramming again.

It's a daft equation. I am pressured of not ending up better (and the thought of not doing so paralyzes me) but I still end up just the same, and since life always gives second chances, I keep on doing the same thing. I learn, but I persist on doing nothing. When will I learn from doing nothing? I have forgotten that beginnings normally should spark even just a lil a bit of hope.

Unsure Of

quote from my Theology (on Marriage & Sexuality) professor, Sir Mike Asis: "Once the romantic feelings are gone, we suspect that love is also gone. It's easy to love someone when we have warm, fuzzy feelings but when they're not there, it becomes hard. That's based on our experiences. It is not the same as saying that genuine love has to be completely devoid of feelings. It's just one should not let go just because the feelings have taken a back seat.

You see, we can choose to love someone forever. Love is, essentially, a choice."

(originally taken from my blockmate Pau's LiveJournal)

am I ready to take that choice this 2007?

Happy Holidays from me and my family!

From L-R: (1) Yours truly holding 2 out of her 3 gifts! The bag's from Shanz (my cousin's gf) and the strawberry thingie over there (which is actually a deflatable chair?) was given to me by Mich, one of my indies (My group of girl-friends at school and I call each other the "Indie women" Funny name, isn't it? A separate post someday for its history.) Mich even sent that through LBC (kinda like our local FedEx here in the Philippines) just so I can open it on Christmas Eve :) (2) That's me and Katha, my favorite little cousin whom I also call my little-self-me (because she reminds me so much of myself when I was younger) (3) And that is Katha's 1-year-old brother, Rajah! At 1 year old, he already got his hair shaved! Cool, huh? And look at his eyes! It's so huuuuge! (4) My favorite tita (aunt), Tita Ni (mother of Kat and Raj), me, and mi mama! (5) My siblings and I with lola (grandma) (6) Again, with tita and mama. (7) Raj at Papa Bong's grave (Papa Bong passed away this March. I miss him. He's my favorite uncle...) (8) My brother and sister, Jules and Ina! They're trying to have a wonderful pose here, hehehe. (9) And lastly, me again! Those eyeglasses are so fake! My eyes are fine. I just wanted to wear them for a change! It's funny because my vision gets more blurry when I am wearing the glasses compared to when I'm not!

Christmas this year is much different compared to before. I think it is the first time that I have spent Christmas with lola, who lives in the province (a one-hour airplane trip away). I am also even surprised because on the 28th, almost all of my extended relatives (My lola's siblings, my mom's cousins, my 2nd-3rd cousins, etcetera!) are coming over, and this is something new to me because we never had a family reunion of some sort before. And then on the 29th, I have a get-together with a long-lost friend from Elementary, then I am also probably going to meet up with my High School buds before the year ends. My schedule is so full, how can I allot some time for myself (I have tons of readings for History)? Classes resume on the 4th. Argggh. Isn't it so early? But I guess school and self worries can wait. I am still making the most out of my break. Whoever said that being single during the holidays is a pity? That person must have probably isolated him/herself from his/her family and friends. If that is the case, then truly, it must be really saaad.

On another note, I just wanted to share this observation. Here in the Philippines, we love the holidays so much (Even if we barely have enough money to spend on luxurious gifts because, yes, we're stuck in a downward economy. But this thus reflects that we Filipinos simply just love the spirit Christmas brings, that's all.) Celebration starts here early in September and ends after New Year's Eve (sometimes even until the Feast of Kings), so meaning, we are still "celebrating" Christmas here. And ask me how? We eaaaat! I don't know why Filipinos love eating so much. Eating here is an understatement for feasting. How can one actually eat enough when he/she is bombarded by food? And how can one have that so much food in a third world country like ours? Filipinos will never ever run out of food to eat, trust me.

So in combat to all those lard, I downloaded 3 tae bo exercises in video. I wish I can be effortlessly thin. But yeah, genes say I can't.

Anyway, how about you? How are your holidays?

I'm overwhelmed. I have readers from different parts of the world. Maligayang Pasko sa inyong lahat! (Merry Christmas to all of you) :)

Before the Celebration

Dear Papa God,

2006 started out to be really challenging, but to my surprise, it is now reaching a wonderful, fulfilling end.

Thank you Papa God for all the lessons You have taught me this year. Thank You for showing me how letting go could indeed be an art. Thank You for allowing me to confront my fears, and for ultimately providing me the realization that my fears are not as scary as I thought. Now all I can do is pat myself at my back (literally, I'm doing it! Haha) and say, "Hey, you have now proven to be really strong!". Thank you for putting angels here on earth as it is with them I experience YOU. They constantly stand by my side in the guise of my parents, my siblings, my relatives, my friends, my professors, authors of my favorite books, those random people I come across with at school, in the net, or wherever but have said/wrote something that has really refined the way I look at life. Thank you for the producers of TV shows and movies too (haha). As long as there's entertainment, my life shall never go boring. Basically, thank You for the assurance: that I can be so much more, that there is still an extensive space for me to grow, and in it, is already EVERYTHING I need.

Thank You for the opportunities and indelible experiences You have given me. Thank You for my school; I would probably have never discovered the beauty of learning in any other place. Thank You for my long-sought-after freedom! Now I have memories of going out with friends at night, crashing friends's places for sleepovers, and having out of town trips. :)

Thank You also for that plane ticket to the States next year (woohooo!! finaaaaally! haha) and the digicam I have always wanted. :)

But to my shame, forgive me if it took me this long to finally understand You. For the past grueling years, I complained so much on why I couldn't feel You. You must had a hard time trying to catch my attention, and so as Your last resort, You took away my "god" and turned my life around. Altering my life and seeing that I have to get use to the adjustments must have been hard for You too.

Even if our relationship is back, forgive me for not talking to You as often as it used to be when I was younger. But you know what God, I know You are aware that are relationship has matured (not that I am making an excuse). Our relationship works the way it is with my best friends for years, Kit and Shen. I have known the two of them for so long, but we barely have the time to catch up and tell stories to each other. Nevertheless, I go through life still feeling their presence, and by the time I talk to them, it would always seem as if months have not passed us by. With You, I may not always open my mouth to pray, but my heart will never be latched, for it always listens. The moment I see the sun rising, I already feel You, and my heart can only be filled with praise and thanks. But at times Lord, please forgive my pride. I rely on myself too much that I forget to put all of my confidence in You.

A few minutes to go, and Christmas is here. Before I celebrate it with my loved ones, let me proclaim my love for you, Papa God. I love You.

Thanks so much for 2006.


Yours, Iya

The Internet Actually

I have a repressed childhood. I was exposed to bullies, freeloaders, drug users, smokers, and all the scary sorts of people a fragile child should had not condemned just yet. I actually thought the world was a scary place. I was never comfortable with my peers, who were either harvesting boyfriends at the age of 10 or were already putting make-up on at the age of 11. Being a kid then felt like being a victim of a menacing tribe. Jaded by such environment, I opted most of the time to go through our dark Grade School halls alone. Books were somehow able to lug in entertainment to the drama of my life. Music wielded itself as amusement, but jaded, confused, and traumatized I was still.

Until the Internet took place.

I first experimented with the Internet when I checked out the website of my erstwhile best-loved band, The Moffatts. I had no idea what to expect from the website, but its message board was indeed able to lift my dampened spirit, for I was “meeting” with the band’s fans—my fellow aficionados—from all over the world. We gather merrily in the site as we discussed not only about the band but of our lives as well. Through the online friendships I have formed, I finally felt for the first time that my life was being acknowledged. I realized there are people like me as well, and there are lots of them; and it only took a timely discovery of the Internet for me to see that wonderful truth.

And as they say, one event in your life can change the rest. Yet in my case, I believe the Internet has done more than change. It started my life. Online experiences nourished my real-time relationships. From then on, I was eager to make friends, and the trauma my childhood experiences had brought me gradually wore off in time. The Internet has also allowed me to take into account a person’s soul, may it be through his or her writings or posted artworks. And as I, too, involve myself in the Net, I finally am in the same way bringing my innermost self into the open—a habit actually thought impossible when I was a kid.

Late Thank You's

I told my mom days before my birthday, “I’m excited. I’m turning 19”. Surprised, she asked, “Even more excited than you were on your 18th birthday?” I rolled my eyes and exclaimed the answer as if I were some know-it-all, “Of course! Why? Because it’s my last teen birthday!” She gave this puzzling look, put down the newspaper she was reading, and retorted straight to my face, “Sometimes, I don’t get you.”

I wanted her to understand, but I just smirked back at her. Words, no matter how vast Mom, can still fail to describe the exact play of reason.

But this time, let me try:

I’m excited for 19 because it’s the last year before I turn twenty 20, which will then mark two lived decades of my life.

It’s the last year before my last year in Ateneo. Time would surely run in a flash by then, and I have to prepare for the nearing reality that I am going to EARN A LIVING FOR MYSELF. SOON.

But if you come to think about it, these lasts are not really excitement-worthy. Actually, what I’m really thrilled about are the firsts:

It’s my first year to be single, technically (after what, 6 years with a few months being single in between?). I’m making up for all the lost time I have supposedly given myself when I was crying and pining over ex-boyfriend 1 & 2, when I spent daydreaming of crushes^100, and when I was pointlessly musing on who could be the next man I can possibly spend my present life with (yuck ang hopeless romantic ah! hehe).

Now, for the first time, I’m content to be spending it with myself, with all my lovely friends and family meshing in the background.

It’s the first year I am excited for Christmas once again. It used to be hard spending Christmases when I know I have been “bad” during the year. At least now, I’m sure Santa Clause, Rudolph and his gang are giving me the best Yuletide present ever: peace of mind.

It’s the first year I am going to spend more time praying, reflecting, reading, writing, painting, designing, learning, discovering, traveling, going out with friends, playing the keyboard, eating not too much nor too few, sleeping just the right amount of hours, jogging every before sunrise, buying treats for my siblings, watching dvds, plays, and movies, saying I LOVE YOU to those people who have mattered, and making a difference too, even just for a day in a person’s life.

This is the first week of my last teen year. Before I know it, I’m already saying goodbye to 19. Being a teen is indeed an intoxicating, jouncing experience… and I am glad you have been part of the ride:

Besh, Shen, Mich, Tin, Jo, Spice, Myx, Agnes, Mon, Rhea, Stacy, Nikki, Annie, Kuya Jed, Meow, Bea, Eric, Madz, Bebe, Shanz, Ate Ne, Don, Kuya Titard, Ate Merryl, Kayla, Bea, Abby, Tita Ni, Tita Mims, Tita Babes, Tito Rowil, Tito Ping, Tita Beth, Tito John, Papa Bong, Tita Belen, Papa Boy, Tita Hally, Tito Mangks, Tita Arlene, Tita Nenette, Tita Belle, Vince, Michelle, Katha, Dahlia, JC & Wilbert (HAHA! Yes even ex-bfs count), my attached friends’s bf/gfs (for loving them), my friends’s ex-bf/gfs (I just have to thank these people because they brought about marvelous lessons to my friends, whom I can say are very much stronger now :p), Bedans ’04 (especially the Medsci troupe), Ateneo blockmates, professors, orgmates (!!! *haha* !!!), The Moffatts (I was their obsessive fangirl hehe), Dr. House, Dr. Mcdreamy, Dr. Burke, Adam Brody, Alanis Morissette, John Mayer, Jack Johnson, another Adam (you’re so gwapo in 19 East hahaha), crushes, Paulo Coelho, A. Smith, Murakami, and all the other authors I adore, the inventor of the Internet, Photoshop, Limewire, Bittorrent, YM!, Friendster, Multiply, Livejournal, cameras, and cellular phones, Ate Cel, Kuya, Ina, Papa, and Mama…

THANK YOU.

And those whom I forgot (you know how frail my memory is), but are sure of having contributed to my crazy being, thank you also. :)

Happy Discardia!

"Discardia is celebrated by getting rid of stuff and ideas you no longer need. It’s about letting go, abdicating from obligation and guilt, being true to the self you are now. Discardia is the time to get rid of things that no longer add value to your life, [to] shed bad habits, [to] let go of emotional baggage and [to] generally lighten your load."

I haven’t chronicled much about my life after the break-up last summer. Not all my close friends knew about what happened, and if they had not approached me, I could still possibly be in their list of already-taken friends. What happened to me after that surprising death has barely been unheard of. Some were afraid that I died with it too, but I am glad that the way I have been living my life since then has proven such an assumption otherwise.

To let go of an almost three-year relationship and then say that you actually have felt more alive after is indeed a plausible accomplishment. I lost something, but I also gained more. Our journey was halted, but the alternate route allowed me to continue. By discarding, I have lived.

We did love each other immensely (I could say), but it still wasn’t enough to connect our separate views on life. We were the best of friends, but I guess we could never have passed as the best of lovers. Our relationship had been a toil, and I knew it was, but I was too afraid to acknowledge it. He was my comfort zone, and I was too afraid to even step out and compare. Even if our relationship was clearly headed to damnation, I was still allured by the warmth of its burning fire.

I don’t know if this only applies to my case, but haven’t we gotten the notion that keeping is virtuous while throwing away is not. We keep pictures, books, and the like. Everything we throw away is considered trash. So we keep and we keep, for yeah, why would we even allow something, which have been of use to us, to be considered as trash in the end? We keep because we believe it is the only way to cherish.

But oftentimes, we fail to notice this disclaimer: If everything is kept, everything eventually will also pile up. Your room, your own little world, becomes cluttered by the same things you kept because you didn’t want them to turn into trash. And so as result, there is no more enough space for you to even stand on. No more enough air for you to breathe in. So watcha gotta do? You have no choice but to still throw things away.

And I guess discard is a better word to use than throw (that’s why I love the word discardia). Discarding is essential to give us space to grow. Discarding is essential so we can have more room to acquire the things we now more need. We discard not because we consider something as trash, but because we just no longer need it to stay. But the thing discarded (and consequently even replaced) doesn’t imply it is no longer useful, because even if it is discarded to the mountains of Smokey (haha, Smokey Mountain I mean!), the meaning which that discarded thing has stamped to your life will always remain. As what Sir Jope said, “What you have now is brought about by your past (where the discarded thing came from), and what you will have in the future is brought about by what you do with what you have now (historicity).” If now means a cluttered room, then aren’t we supposed to be sensing a room makeover?

And so early on the post-breakup stage, I already chose to discard all the “emotional baggage”, all the guilt, all the if onlys, all the what ifs. But I also chose to welcome all the new lessons, all the new company, all the new time to be spent with my family and on overnight stays and gimmiks with my friends (which I was not permitted to do so before!). I chose to build a new world again. And to continuously build worlds, I believe, is to continuously discard and gain. I also learned from Philosophy that one does not need to see evil to recognize what is good, because what is evil is evil and what is good is good. But Sir Jope also mentioned about via negativa—we experience something we must experience because we don’t have such an experience before. We can’t keep everything because we have our limitations (our room is bounded); we can’t experience everything all at the given time. So the only key is to discard, so we can also gain. But an emphasis on this other disclaimer: one should discard wisely.

I was also supposed to talk about how Philosophy has affected me so much, but I think it deserves another entry. Besides, this post was guided by the subject anyway (and this post is already too long!). I remember submitting my first paper to Sir Aurelio who asked us where we are in our caves and were we willing to go out and finally face the light which is the truth (in relation to the Allegory of the Cave). What else can I say but describe my current condition back then. My paper had these final questions: “Ngunit ano nga ba ang katotohanan dito? Ano ang naghihintay sa akin? (What’s the truth in all of this? What is waiting for me out there?)” He asked if we could talk, but before we had the chance, he was already replaced by Sir Jope. Nevertheless, my Philo class with Sir Jope became my way out of the cave. I gained a lot of insights and because of Philo, I believe I am a better person now (haha!). I may not have perceived the truth clearly yet (because accdg to Sir Aurelio, even outside the cave, there are still shadows), but with all conviction, I know this is one profile of the truth: I am not your usual break-up dumpee. Hahaha!

So Happy Discardia, it is.

8 things i learned for the past 730 days.

last august 20, wilbert and i celebrated our second year anniversary. this was our best year so far, since as almost everyone knows, our first year together was... a struggle. however, i don't regret having been through such a difficult phase, because if you look at it now, our first year together seemed to be a transition to the better things that have come. :D

here's what i learned for the past 2 years:

1: treat your loved one as your bestfriend. open up to him whatever insight, whatever resentment, whatever excitement, whatever feeling. in the long run, romance may fade away, but the deep friendship you have will keep you still.

2: respect him. respect his stand, even if at times, it is conflicting with yours. this was hard for me since I am a self-confessed imperious girlfriend at times (haha). i occasionaly ignore whatever explanation he says when we fight. i will always, always, exert whatever i think/feel/assume is right. however, i end up pissing him off. then i realize that a guy's explanation does make sense somehow (but still not all the time =p), if you try to reach out to his side as well.

3: both of you should plan how to manage your relationship. how do you do this? well for example, we strategize on how to avoid unnecessary conflicts. this is good because we also get to learn about each other more. sometimes talks like this seem to be so Oprah. but hey, if he really loves you, he'd do whatever it takes to compromise right?

4: FORGIVE. this does not just mean you only have to forgive him. forgive yourself also for your weaknesses and shortcomings. then you can forgive him for his.

5: give sufficient input to your relationship. input = your time, or any extra effort. sufficient means just enough, and make sure "enough" doesn't meddle with all your other priorities in life. if you prioritize your relationship above anything else, trust me... you'd end up losing yourself.

6: in an argument, most girls want to talk it away, while most guys opt for silence first. before, whenever either i or he gets mad, i would always insist that we talk on the phone right away. then i would regularly get mad even more because he would usually not get my point. then a much more heated argument will occur. that's why right now, whenever we fight, both of us choose to be silent first (to think), then we both decide to talk.

7: it is okay to tell him what you want. guys do want to see their girl happy (since it boosts their pride, hehe.), but what frustrates them is that they don't seem to know how. before, i was wondering why he hasn't given me flowers yet, to think that we're more than a year already. then i opened it up to him. then he told me that he thought i dislike flowers since it's not something i could keep. i said, "no, it's okay. it's sweet." =p the following day, he showed up in our doorstep carrying a bouquet of flowers! :D the technique on this is you have to make sure you don't sound so demanding. just enlighten his mind, because trust me, most guys are so clueless.

8: and lastly, CELEBRATE. monthsaries and anniversaries are just reminders of how long you've been through. the CELEBRATION is meant for every single day you share together. celebrate on what you have, and be happy. LOVE doesn't have to exhaust you... because LOVE is truly the greatest feeling in the world.. :D :D

here's a scrapbook he made for me. he contacted my friends to write a message as well. for those who wrote, thank you! *hug*