seeing my blockmate cry have reminded me of grade school.
unlike many others, i was in my most studious mode way back then. i did abandon my childhood for high grades, and i had lost control of myself along the way. before, as soon as i got home, i would open my bag and start on my homework. i would wake up even extra early during exams (i remember waking up 3 in the morning to study when i was 11!). i'd join every oratorical contest, reading interpretative contest, essay writing contest, etc. with such hard work, i was hoping everything will pay off. it had to anyway, right? however, things never really came my way. there were times i'd still get a line of 8 in my exams... and yes, i did get frustrated over that (ewww, i was such an obsessive-compulsive nerd). there was a time i got 2nd place in an inter-school writing competition, however, there was no reward, not even a certificate! when i got back in school, no one really believed me because i have no proof whatsoever. arrrrgh. and to top it all, my classmates labelled me of everything unpleasant (as i thought so before)--- nerd, geek, dweeb, bookworm.
and how did i survive?
i just cried. heaps. buckets. mountains. ALL THE TIME.
i looked like such a weakling, but they didn't know... crying gave me strength.
then i learned to pray. and things were never, ever the same again.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
never the same.
8 things i learned for the past 730 days.
here's what i learned for the past 2 years:
1: treat your loved one as your bestfriend. open up to him whatever insight, whatever resentment, whatever excitement, whatever feeling. in the long run, romance may fade away, but the deep friendship you have will keep you still.
2: respect him. respect his stand, even if at times, it is conflicting with yours. this was hard for me since I am a self-confessed imperious girlfriend at times (haha). i occasionaly ignore whatever explanation he says when we fight. i will always, always, exert whatever i think/feel/assume is right. however, i end up pissing him off. then i realize that a guy's explanation does make sense somehow (but still not all the time =p), if you try to reach out to his side as well.
3: both of you should plan how to manage your relationship. how do you do this? well for example, we strategize on how to avoid unnecessary conflicts. this is good because we also get to learn about each other more. sometimes talks like this seem to be so Oprah. but hey, if he really loves you, he'd do whatever it takes to compromise right?
4: FORGIVE. this does not just mean you only have to forgive him. forgive yourself also for your weaknesses and shortcomings. then you can forgive him for his.
5: give sufficient input to your relationship. input = your time, or any extra effort. sufficient means just enough, and make sure "enough" doesn't meddle with all your other priorities in life. if you prioritize your relationship above anything else, trust me... you'd end up losing yourself.
6: in an argument, most girls want to talk it away, while most guys opt for silence first. before, whenever either i or he gets mad, i would always insist that we talk on the phone right away. then i would regularly get mad even more because he would usually not get my point. then a much more heated argument will occur. that's why right now, whenever we fight, both of us choose to be silent first (to think), then we both decide to talk.
7: it is okay to tell him what you want. guys do want to see their girl happy (since it boosts their pride, hehe.), but what frustrates them is that they don't seem to know how. before, i was wondering why he hasn't given me flowers yet, to think that we're more than a year already. then i opened it up to him. then he told me that he thought i dislike flowers since it's not something i could keep. i said, "no, it's okay. it's sweet." =p the following day, he showed up in our doorstep carrying a bouquet of flowers! :D the technique on this is you have to make sure you don't sound so demanding. just enlighten his mind, because trust me, most guys are so clueless.
8: and lastly, CELEBRATE. monthsaries and anniversaries are just reminders of how long you've been through. the CELEBRATION is meant for every single day you share together. celebrate on what you have, and be happy. LOVE doesn't have to exhaust you... because LOVE is truly the greatest feeling in the world.. :D :D
here's a scrapbook he made for me. he contacted my friends to write a message as well. for those who wrote, thank you! *hug*
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
june 05
my treasure trove. find out what makes me rich aside from mom and dad.
this man has been a special part of my life for more than three years now (counting also the year when we were still getting to know each other). the great thing about our relationship does not only count the love we have for each other but also the profound friendship we share. how lucky have i gotten to have a man i love and my bestfriend all in one?
i definitely miss my tropa! they are the best barkada in the world. the top picture... that's agnes, me and besh. agnes is the baby of the tropa. why? well just because. :D besh is, well, my bestfriend! she's one of the persons who means the world to me. i love her so much. the girl i am with at the left-below picture is myx. she's the brains of the tropa! in fact, she graduated as veledictorian of the batch. she now studies in up diliman and because i am just a few minutes away from her, we get to have lunch every now and then! at the center is a picture of mon and besh. they have been together for like foooorrreever. no one has and can ever break them apart. mon is the clown of the tropa, and of course, our only man! haha. next to it is a picture of me and spice. you would never have a dull moment with her because she will always entertain you with her kwentos. and why call her spice? because i'm her sugar! hahaha. i love you, guys! 
kuya's getting married already next year! he is an epitome of a perfect gentleman. ate merryl is really lucky! ate ne is like my sister. we always hang out together. she's always there for me whenever i need someone to save my neck. donsky on the other hand is like my kabarkada. we are of the same age that's why we can easily relate to each other. he is my ever loving chaperone! haha! love you also, guys! 
KATKAT! isn't she adorable??? she's my cousin and at the same time my inaanak. she always makes my day. 
sheeennny. we have known each other since birth. among my friends, she is the only one who really knows me inside and out. we have a lot in common that we consider each other as "sister soulmates". aside from besh, she is also my bestfriend. am i so lucky? luvyah also shen! 
meet ina and kuya. ina knows me completely for i always rant to her whatever happens to my day. if she's not my sister, i'd also consider her as my bestfriend. i'm so happy now that we already share a room! :D kuya is younger than me, but i call him as such because he seems to be the kuya i have always longed for yet i never get to have. i would never replace these two persons if i were asked to. i am so lucky to have them!
June 07, 2005
4:25 PM
i just took a bath and finally, my brain's starting to get out of its dead zone. i woke up early this morning with the conviction that i will do my taebo, but as usual, i didn't. i just ate my breakfast and teased my sister of going to school while i have the whole day by myself at home. as soon as she left, i plopped myself on the bed and finished reading Mike Gayle's My Legendary Girlfriend (moderately nice, but the turn of events wasn't laid very well). after finishing the novel (and seeing that my parents already went off for work), i rushed to my parents room where this magical personal computer rests. i disturbed its quiet sleep and have never allowed it to slack off until this very moment. poor computer. you might be so fed up with me already.
this is what i hate when nothing takes charge of my time (no freakin' paper, no freakin' math quiz, no freakin' report). but i don't mean i want those time-killing, suffocating schoolwork (who'd want it badly anyway?). it's just that i really find it hard controlling my time. i want to do a lot of things and i have so many plans, but only a few seems to get done. maybe because it has something to do with my perfectionistic attitude. i take too much time doing something because i want it to be genuinely the best (like i take too much time blogging and making testimonials for my friends at friendster!), however, some things i have to attend to never gets the chance to churn out even a one percent result. i like filling my organizer with a day to day schedule, but never in my whole life was i able to really follow it. i guess i have to work on that, huh? maybe having a routine would do me good.
these are the stuff i wanna finish, but i haven't started yet:
*finish the Harry Potter series before HP6 gets out (i have never been a fan of HP, but for the sake of reading, i know it won't do me any harm)
*finish all the Luanne Rice's novels we have here at home
*finish Nicholas Spark's The Rescue
*finish all the novels i bought at Booksale
whoa, there's so much to read!
*submit an article to Koinonia (because i have long promised tita belle i will submit one)
*submit an article to the Youngblood section the Inquirer
now where should i start?
1:39 PM
ive been infront of the pc the whole morning. im too lazy to write now.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
May 05
May 31, 2005
8:18 AM
indolent: adjective wanting to avoid activity or exertion
i have never been this indolent in my life. the day that i stepped into college was the day i will never forget. the pressure i get at ateneo, where people pay a big amount of dough to manifest their magical brain powers, condenses my self-esteem. now you might be saying that it should be the other way around: my confidence should have bolstered because i was able to get in to the ateneo. i also expected that from myself. i expected a fresh start in college and a total end from continuous ranting and cramming since schoolwork during high school was also hell (medsci...). but not much to my surprise, things have never changed.
there was never a single night that i purposely go to bed to sleep, because even before the middle of the night, i have already fallen asleep (that's me when im stressed. therefore, im always stressed.)! i have gained blah-blah pounds from eating too much. i could count by my fingers the times i have tried not to cram. i could not recall how many times i have been unprepared for a test (because of too much fretting, i found it hard to push myself to prepare). ive lost God-knows-how-many hair from pulling them almost everytime. i have to delay some of my activities because i have not yet started with my papers/homeworks/research/etc. i never had time to just really relax because of my impaired condition. trying to fix myself up is just really hard...
you see, the problem is not because i can't. it's not because i can't be part of the dean's lister, or i can't write a good paper, or do good in recitation, or perfect my exams, or figure out my math. it's not because of that, for i know very well that i can do those stuff. the only problem is it seems i can't be as good as them. it seems their brains are ten times larger than mine! their prose are no doubt better than mine. they can speak more eloquently than i can.
i cant help to think sometimes if i deserve to be part of these savvy group.
however, at the middle of my writing right now, i realize that im acting like a LOSER. i obviously know what im capable of. i have my own set of goals, but these are all disillusioned with the success of others. comparing myself to others is just plain pointless. at one point, i'd be so proud of myself because i seem to fare better than one person; then on a spur of the moment, i'd see one bunch totally better than i am, and before i know it, my heart's already breaking. so see? what's the sense of that?
my superior, competetive, perfectionistic, and vexed nature has been killing my soul for a year now. i never became productive or whatsoever during my first year in college because i always wanted to be on top right away, even if i also know it entails a lot of sweat before i can get on top. i was always in denial. i never accepted the challenges infront of me. i always whine. i always complain. i always grouch. i have never been proactive. i have been so harsh with myself.
having learned all these, i know God's allowing me to prove myself again this following schoolyear. i believe He's just so willing to help me once again! i know He just wants me to concentrate on what i have (my talents, my skills, my experiences) and to use the most out of it. then, i don't have to worry what will happen next--- whether i'd get what i want or not. my future's under God's care, and what He wants for me is surely the only BEST thing for me. i would just have to let go of trying to be in control all the time, and rather just try to succumb to His will invariably...
May 30, 2005
12:58 PM
i have been too lazy to blog for the recent months! but anyhow, i'm still alive, just for you to know. here are some of the pictures over the summer:
*Zambales trip with my family and my cousins Ate Ne and Donsky
lalang! 
all of us three at zambales.. 
me and kuya 
sunset at zambales 
yuckie donsky! 
waitin’ for our food!
*Circle of Love (Youth Encounter # 8) : Jen, Enzo, Regit, Dredre, Baby and I were assigned to take over! :D 
circle of love facilitators... naks! 
circle of love facilitators 2
* FAMILY ENCOUNTER # 11 SPONSORING: After 6 months of practice, we finally did it, all for the glory of God! :) It's just so sad that I missed Besh's debut because I can't leave the sponsoring during that time. Sorry besh. :( 
fe practice 
smile, even if it’s hot!
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
March 05
March 07, 2005
6:03 PM
i am so wasted. i gained a few pounds already (food has been my best companion these days... but i hope im not gonna curse it in the end). acne's starting to build their homes on my face. my hair's getting thinner and thinner. WAAAAAAHHHHH...
i still have so much to do. our finals are coming up and i still have to finish all these papers assigned to us. i can't take it anymore.
i envy those who can juggle all those schoolwork in their hands and yet, they still look SUPERB!
March 01, 2005
8:54 AM
buy Missy Higgins album! SHE ROCKS! i listen to her music 24/7! check out her lyrics, they're grand! part of the reason why i love to listen to her songs is the fact that her songs really soothes my aching, tired, exhausted soul.
you got it right. i am still in so much stress.